Hair today, gone today! The deed is done!

Hello all on this beautiful Saturday; well, it is beautiful here, mercifully, after a couple of days of torrential downpours and tornado watches of all things. We even had to put my new BFF - the hammock - into a dry, wind-free place for safe haven. Looking forward to being able to putting it back up so I can swing and sway and comfortably drool away and listen to the birds sing, the squirrels yell at ever-oblivious Gooferella and the chipmunks chirp away (I love chipmunks - they really are darling. We have two families that live under our garage). Most importantly, though, a very happy Canada Day weekend to my dear Canadian friends and family, and hope you and yours have a wonderful celebration planned, eh? Hubby and I are celebrating with you in spirit and will wear our Canadian t-shirts out today (snapshot below - it always gets a giggle)

Lots to report. First, our daisies are coming into bloom. Aren't they just the happiest flower? :-)

Secondly, I am now officially heading into Week-Four-Of-The-Combo-Nuke-And-Chemo-Fun-Fest and good thing, as the side effects are starting to multiply, and candidly annoy and vex me, and just piss me off! I'm trying to stay positive, but every day is an adventure! The newest adventure is that I now have a bionic sense of smell. Things that I used to find smelled delicious and yummy - like pasta sauce (I'm Italian, for God's sake! I was weaned on the stuff!!) - yes, the smell of pasta sauce makes me want to heave. Heavy heavy sigh. The other annoyance is that the hair carnage has now reached truly epic proportions. Both yesterday and this morning, I was pulling clumps of it out of the right side of my head (they aren't nuking the right side of my head) as well as the back of my head (they ain't nuking there either!) and the volume of hair that I was left holding actually made me gasp. Now that may sound slightly melodramatic I confess, but I swear I was shocked at the amount of hair I was left holding. Good news: no tears this time. It was more like: "OK. I am SO done with this shit. Time to tell cancer to F**K RIGHT OFF already", so hubby and I went to his favorite barber shop today. And, not only did I get my buzz cut, but my dear sweet darling hubby kept me company and shaved his big beautiful melon - what a sweetheart right? :-)

So, at this charming barber shop right here in town, this lovely gal by the name of Michelle graciously and lovingly - and I mean that - walked me through a couple of different options. She was just awesome about it all and it was clear that she had done this all before (mercifully; she has been cutting hair for 17 years). I must admit that as I was sitting down and I took off my hat and explained to her why I was there, I did get a little weepy and she was just so sweet and empathetic. She kept reassuring me that she would work through the cut and that all would be well. And I felt good about it. I must admit that as the first buzzzzzzzzzzz went up the back of my head and I saw all the hair, I thought "no turning back now! Gasp!" and then I just felt like a load had been lifted and I felt good. Really good. Because I was telling cancer to F**K OFF!

So, the final result is kind of a combo Mohawk/GI Jane do and I must say, I love it! Michelle was so gracious; she kept saying: "Honey, you have such a beautifully shaped head and a beautiful face - you can so pull this off!" What do you think folks? (oh and that's our fig tree in the background i.e. between us ... it's doing so well. And I love figs AND they're good for you!)



And just for shits and giggles, here's the Canada t-shirt I wore out to "town" today. There were some folks who giggled and others who just didn't get it. And that's ok. I love this t-shirt. Che Beavera. Oh, and I'm wearing my F**K Cancer bracelet (thanks KL!!). So that was the fun for today - the Big Hair-Be-Gone-Excursion. Now that it's done, I feel better. Empowered. And it feels cool (literally) to feel a breeze on my head. Who knows? Maybe I'll keep it this way. HA!

Thanks for the never-ending support, love, texts, FaceTime calls, phone calls (CIF - my abs hurt from laughing so much last night! Facia de shem!) ....thank you all.

And today's sign-off is a tribute to our dear Canadian friends and family on this holiday weekend (oh - hubby and I are going to see the Trailer Park Boys F##k You Santa Claus performance at the Beacon Theatre in NYC in mid-December - YEAH!). Love you all, eh?

And Happy Canada weekend, eh?

Cancerella, Balderello, and The Two Oblivious (Yet Eternally Affectionate) Felines
xoxoxoxo

A pleasant visit with a gorgeous pair of royal blue suede Ferragamo loafers

Hello all and Happy Hump Day. Today, hubby and I went to see Dr. Chemo, the Doctor-Formerly-Known-As-Dr-Mint-Green-Shirt, because today, my new favorite Doc was sporting an AWESOME pair of blue suede Ferragamo loafers. I mean, I took one look at those babies and thought "hmmmm ... those are expensive shoes/souliers/scarpe... niiiiiiiiiiicely done." So, henceforth, he shall be known as Dr. Blue Suede Ferragamo's. I mean, this dude just gets better and better. I heart him (and he's straight to boot; I mean, it takes chutzpah and balls to wear blue suede Ferragamo loafers if you are a straight dude ...especially a middle-aged straight dude). So, that was just a delightfully freakin' awesome start to our visit.

So, on to the fun (weeeee!!) part of the whole chemo schtick and the reason we were there. Oh - side note - did I mention that I have to have blood tests every two weeks? Oh yes, I think I did, because I mentioned E, the blood lab tech that I bonded with over Jesus - sorry! OK - so blood tests go to Dr. Ferragamo, and they came back with a "No peculiar shit noted" (that is real medical jargon). Short story - platelets, white blood counts blah blah blah - all normal. Good news. I can still go out in public without a mask on - for now. Yeah! (except maybe to Wally World aka Wal-mart, where one should wear a mask all the time anyway, because that is one nasty place. People fart and burp and are just ... well .. suffice to say that Wal-mart is a funky place, especially here in the U.S.)

Then, we talked about how the Temodar (aka The Big Blue Chemo Pill - oh the nurse who took my vitals had blue nail polish that matches the blue in the Temodar; not the same shade of blue as the Ferragamo's. Those are royal blue. Gorgeous. I digress) ...where was I? Ah yes, we were talking about the effects of the Temodar and dear friends and family, I have a confession to make. A couple of days ago, food started tasting tinny. That's right, tinny. For example, I treated myself to some mac and cheese yesterday (CARBS!) and oy vey, it tasted like I was licking the inside of a can. Now, I can honestly say (cross my heart) that I have never ever licked the inside of a can; not even in my youth when I did silly things like drink too much and (ahem ... ahem) smoke some funky stuff ("I did NOT inhale" ... ok ... that is a big-assed lie - I did inhale and enjoyed the after-effects... so there!) ... and then proceed to do weird "I dare you" things. But I have to tell you, folks, that food that tastes tinny is akin to having a burger and you accidentally bite into a piece of the foil the burger came wrapped in; only, it's like chewing through the foil, really tasting the metal, and then swallowing it. That, or licking the inside of a can. Sigh. So I told Dr. Blue Suede Ferragamo's that I'm having the Tinny Taste Side Effect of the The Big Blue Pill as well as the fact that it tends to (ahem ahem) slow things down in the (ahem ahem) ... well, you know... the usual movement thing. Another big OY VEY. Too much information? Ah yes, I've been holding out .... and after all, it's my blog! (I'm feeling defiant today)

Been eating All Bran (that's right, KL!), fruit, veggies, drinking gallons/litres of water, even prune juice (I must admit, I felt like a really old broad drinking that shit) and alas ... well ... I won't go into horrible details but things just aren't moving along like they should be. So that's what we talked about. Fun, right? Oh, I got on a scale and despite all of that, I am still down five pounds from 2 weeks ago. Hardly a surprise, I think, but it's not anything I'm celebrating. But hey ... all good, relatively speaking, so I'm glad for that!! We see Dr. Blue Suede Ferragamo's again in two weeks and I must say, I am looking forward to it. He really rocks. Thank GOD for that.

So that was the excitement for today. Thank you again for your comments, Facebook comments, emails, texts and phone calls about the "What Should Cancerella Do With Her Hair" question. Mohawk is going to happen this weekend; I'll sport that puppy for a week or so, then go GI Jane, then do the bald thing with a henna tattoo. Hubby had a brilliant idea; get a henna tattoo of the words "F**K Cancer" in Sanskrit or ancient Aramaic or something equally as obscure and put that on This Gal's Naked (GASP!) Melon. Love it. That way, I can tell the whole world that I am a Cancer F**ker, but with subtlety and discretion (all the while snickering and giggling in a naughty fashion). :-)

Thanks - as always - to you all for your love and support and for making me laugh out loud! Much appreciated and so uplifting. Thank you!!! Tonight's sign-off courtesy of my pal MS, who just returned from her fabulous trip (welcome back) and because the treatments/planets/supermoon etc seem to be aligned today, the sign-off seemed apropos. Love you all.

Radiating Happiness and Positive Chemo-tions,

Cancerella, Barberello (I may let him trim my locks after all; still pondering), Gooferina and Noberella (meow)
xoxoxox

Mohawk, GI Jane, Shave-the-Melon, henna tattoo - all of the above! WTF, right?

Well hello all. An epic hair day, on multiple levels, and that had nothing to do with the scorching heat or humidity that is enveloping our lovely little town and region - along with an air quality advisory (nice). I pulled several more clumps of my seemingly lethargic "I give up" hair out of my head today and now a large portion of my scalp is clearly visible - I mean out there, bald, naked (gasp!) - along with the burgeoning tan lines from the Nuke Machine. I must admit, today I looked at myself differently than yesterday in the sense that I realized I had never seen my own scalp before. Not that it's fascinating necessarily, but I would venture to say that the majority of us have never had to deal with, well, looking at our scalps! So, I was curious. And then I moved on.

The other key difference today was that there were absolutely no tears. I am so grateful to all of you fine folks who commented on my post, emailed me, Face Timed me (and told me I looked like I had a bad hair cut - a very accurate and funny! - statement) and said to just go for it; the shaving bit, that is. I then ran across an article on the F**K Cancer site on Facebook and lo and behold, the timing was eerie indeed. This user-generated site is for folks who have either dealt with cancer or have loved ones who are dealing with it, and today there was a request out to the fine folks that read like this: "To pre-shave or not pre-shave; that is the question a Cancer F**ker is looking for help with before she starts treatment". Naturally, consumed with curiosity and thinking "hmmm ... someone with a similar plight!", I read all 125 or so comments and discovered that most folks had very similar comments and thoughts; specifically, that when they were confronted with the same circumstance, they just went for it and their advice to this particular gal who was posing the question should as well. "Get that Mohawk you've always wanted. Get that GI Jane cut. Shave your head. Just do it!" And the most enlightening and empowering piece of these posts was the fervor with which these cancer survivors stated that by doing these things, by taking control, that it's the equivalent of giving The Big C a huge middle finger and saying "F**K YOU". So, that's what I'm going to do. And hell, I don't have to go to work for a few weeks and I never did the Mohawk thing as a teenager, so WTF, right? And ... why not now - in middle age? A true middle finger to all kinds of things! YEAH! I'm stoked!


So, haircuts ... what do you think? Too radical? ;-)

Then, I'm doing the GI Jane look ....

And in the meantime, this is my bald spot (oy VEY! My ear looks freakin' GINORMOUS!!@! and my grooooooooooooovy wig (thanks KL!!) :-)

Sending love and hugs and many thanks to all of you for your encouragement - as always! - and at this particularly emotional juncture, all the more appreciated ... thank you. Tonight's sign off is courtesy of my pal LA, as you have all truly been traveling with me along this journey and I thank you all, from the bottom of my heart, for that ... hugs and love.

Viaggio con me,

Cancerella (soon to be Mohawkerella), Buderello-My-Hubby-Driver (just in the short term)-Support-Extraordinaire, and the Two Felines (oblivious as always ... meow)

xoxoxoxo

Hair today, gone tomorrow ... or more like Hair yesterday, MORE gone today!

Bonjour a tout le monde on this St. Jean Baptiste day, a holiday in the province of Quebec, back in our home-and-native-land. As John the Baptist - a Jewish preacher - baptized Jesus in the River Jordan, so too have I undergone a baptism of sorts. No small coincidence on the dates, methinks. For any deeply religious folks who may be reading this, please pardon the unintended blasphemy as I was raised a Catholic - and still consider myself a Catholic - but I just can't help the comparison. As I stepped into the shower this morning for my daily ritual cleansing (!), yet again, large clumps of my hair simply fell out. In huge, epic clumps. I mean, I was literally pulling the hair out of my head in monumental quantities. Sigh. No, make that a heavy sigh. Perhaps it's a sign from above that with this illness, so too, am I shedding parts of my outer self. Wow. Deep, right? ;-)

After getting out of the shower and having a good cry *sniff* about the fact that there is now a huge bald spot on the left side of my head - a natural reaction methinks - I gathered myself together and just simply looked at myself. I must say, it's somewhat surreal to stare at oneself in the mirror and see something so unbelievably foreign, so aberrant, so atypical. And then I got to thinking. "Hmmm ... where will I be going over the next few weeks? I mean, who will care/notice if I have a bald spot?" So I started taking inventory of the Fun-Places-Cancerella-Will-See-And-Visit over the next few weeks:

1) Hospital to get Melon Nuked. Check.
2) Hospital to meet Dr Mint Green Shirt. Check.
3) Hospital to see neuro-oncologist who drilled the hole in my head. Check.

Need I go on? In short, the only spots I'll be visiting are places where people look like me - and sadly, much worse - so from a self-esteem "oh my GOSH! Who will SEE me?" perspective, it really doesn't matter and I don't care and it suddenly seems trivial perhaps. OK, glass half full - there are people much worse off than me; I do know that. And there are positive elements of which to remind myself: I still have somewhat of an appetite  and have abandoned the Fruit Loops patrol (back to All Bran!); I am sleeping well AND dreaming (YEAH! REM sleep is always good); today - despite the hair - is actually a good day from the perspective of feeling a little clearer and not as wonky and dizzy and stupid and I say that's because I didn't have to devote energy to working, even if it was from home. So I have that for which to be thankful; i.e. resting and recharging my batteries. And I have my awesome, beautiful hubby who I adore with every fiber of my being - I could not do any of this without him.

So, on a lighter note, when I went for my usual Nuke Fest today, the nurse, the social worker, the radiation technologist, my favorite Doc and naturally hubby were all there and of course, they were all sympathetic about the Hair Loss (yes, proper noun in my books). We started chatting about the Hair Loss in greater detail and I had a couple of questions first. Q. Will more fall out? A. Probably. Q. Will hair fall out on the right side? A. Probably but in smaller quantities (GREAT - geek hair for sure). So, I asked the question of whether I should just go ahead and shave my melon and Doc said I could; i.e. no risk except the annoyance of having to keep shaving my head as the hair I've lost because of the nuking may not grow back at the same pace as the rest of my hair. Niiiiiiiiiiice. So, my question to you fine folks is this:

What do I do now? Leave it as is? Shave both sides a la Girl with the Dragon Tattoo look? (RAD! I like it. Middle-aged broad makes a statement with her hair - I had that revelation as the Big Nuking Machine was circling my melon nuking cancer cells in my head. I had a flash of that awesome beotch ...she rocks)? Crew cut? Other suggestions? Your vote/opinion counts, my friends and family. I've already had a couple of volunteers offer to go wig shopping with me, so I am up for any and all suggestions. Tomorrow, I am going to post a pic of my left-sided baldness and then a pic of the lovely jaunty chapeau and wig that my pal KL sent to me... :-) ... I am feeling better about this already!

And I wanted to close the loop. To circle back on my earlier comment, I was once obsessed about my looks, what people would think about how I looked (this was a while ago) - and now, with maturity and especially with this ordeal, I realize that it just doesn't matter what other people think about how I look. If people are going to judge me, then I feel sad for them. The only thing that matters is how I feel about how I look and the rest just flows from that. So if I'm bald, then I will just have to get used to it; after all, it's a completely different experience. Completely and utterly different.

Thanks as always for reading and for your support and notes and offers of help - and your love! Tonight's sign off is perhaps a sign of things to come when This Gal's dome is exposed and I can literally ask people to ...(are you ready?) ...

Kiss my astrocytoma,

Cancerella, Barberello (he may shave my melon), The Two Meow-y Hair Bags (suddenly, I'm seeing hair everywhere .. ironic, right?)
xoxoxoxox

Jaunty chapeau? Stylish wig? Shave it and have my own Supermoon? Decisions, decisions ....

Greetings to you all on this Day-After-the-Supermoon, to the Power of Two. Why to the Power of Two, you might ask? Well, This Gal has starting developing her own Supermoon. That's right. The hair loss has begun. Now, I should qualify that statement by saying that the hair loss is because of the Nuk-o-Rama - i.e. Hair's-Worst-Enemy when one is getting nuked in the MELON. I had read about this, and my kind radiation oncologist Doc (the one that hugs me) had forewarned me. It's not because of the chemotherapy; if it was, it would all be falling out, not just on one side! So, when I stepped into the shower this morning and that awesome, massive rain shower head hit This Gal's head and I looked down and GASP!*! - there were bunches of hair swirling about the drain - taunting me - I thought to myself: "Well, holy s**t. Today it begins. How ironic!"

Sigh. Another milestone, I suppose.

When I look at myself in the mirror, the hair on my left side is decidedly thinner. So, I will see how it goes. Until it gets really weird looking, then I'll just wear a cap if I have to go out in public (highly unlikely - see below!). A wig is just not something that appeals to me at this point, and frankly, if it looks weird and patchy, then, f**k it, I am going to shave my head. In fact, I know there are charities for The Dreaded Big C that raise money by folks shaving their heads, and it's no small surprise that women raise exponentially more money than men do by shaving their melons. I will have to look that up when I'm not so bloody tired. Oy. If I shave my head, then I think it will all grow back? (question mark intentional, as I've read that in some cases, the hair that is lost during Nuke-a-Noodle fests doesn't always grow back). And if it doesn't, then I will think about a wig.

I went into the office today for 30 minutes. The group I work for has moved into a spanking brand new building right next door to the building I used to work at and I now have this beautiful space, with a gorgeous view of trees, floor-to-ceiling windows and awesome neighbors. Now, before anyone asks why I went into work, and on a Sunday, for starters, I didn't want to come back to work in a few weeks and have to unpack my stuff then; second, this very nice admin offered to unpack but as kind as her offer was, I just couldn't bring myself to have her unpack my things; and finally, I knew I wouldn't run into that many people if I came in first thing on a Sunday morning. And by that last comment I mean this: yesterday, for example, I went to Marshall's - my favorite store and one where I hadn't been to in a while - as a dear friend was kind enough to give me a gift card, so hubby dropped me off at Marshall's and I swear I was exhausted after 20 minutes. It was the same today at the office - 30 minutes and I was absolutely spent. It wasn't necessarily the physical exercise of pulling file folders and personal paraphernalia out of boxes; it was just being upright, being "on" ... not that I had to be "on" at Marshall's but being out in public is a lot more work and a lot more tiring than I imagined it would be.

And so, the timing for my going out on leave is perfect. I just don't have the energy right now to be around folks and I need to recharge my batteries. I can't even imagine doing work from home at this point either, because as the days progress, I just find myself more and more tired. Today, in fact we came home after having brunch with this same dear friend and her hubby and their awesome little girl - and I had to lie down. I was so tired; I had a little cat nap on the way home in the car. Yoiks. I then had a little nap in the hammock (and my soon-to-be-bald-head will be the perfect Homerella ;-) ...) and then had to come inside as it was 93 degrees F; just a tad too warm. Plus, the literature says to stay out of the sun, and it's not the usual "UV rays are bad for you" kind of schtick, but with the drugs I'm taking, I really need to stay out of the sun. And when we got home, the sun was too in-my-face. Shame, really, as that hammock is my new BFF.

So, there you have it. The latest and greatest. Female radiation-onset-patchy-baldness. Check. Fatigue. Check. Wavering appetite. Check. Every day is different and I'm just going with it. :-) Thanks - as always - for reading, and for your kind notes and wonderful support. It truly means the world to me ... thank you all. Tonight's sign off courtesy of Racherella (XO), as the sentiment below is kind of how I feel right at the moment....as I said, tomorrow may be different!

Gone Fishin'

Cancerella, Buderello, Gooferella and Nobelina (the cats) :-)
xoxoxoxo

Nuke-Fest One-Third Done + Hanging out in a Hammock = A Good Day

Well good evening dear readers. Happy First Day of Summer, Summer Solstice, Longest Day of the Year ...yippee!! It was an absolutely glorious day here - perfect in every way - high 80's (high 20's for my Canadian folks), 40% humidity, light breeze ... glorious ...positively glorious. Hope it was as glorious where you are. Gosh, I love this time of year.

So ... today marked the 11th Nuke-of-the-Noodle. Yippee! That means I have 19 more to go and I am just a little over one-third of the way FINISHED with the equivalent of sticking my head in a microwave every day (weekends off, natch...I still have to take The Big Blue Pill seven days a week though; no breaks there). Yeah! One day at a time .... I am feeling a little more tired every day, especially as the afternoon comes around. I worked through 'til Thursday (I know, I know, I KNOW!!) and I did work from home though. There was just no way I could go into the office - it just requires too much energy to be around people - which is so unlike me, as I derive energy from being around people - but as the treatments progress, I just find myself a little woozier and fuzzier every day. I'm fine when I'm sitting but when I stand up, I find myself dizzy at times, which as hubby reminds me, is because my equilibrium is off - makes sense, right? Plus, I'm starting to forget things and from time to time, my head hurts. Doc told me that if the headaches continue, it could be swelling - let's hope it doesn't keep up. Steroids are ugly, ugly, ugly drugs ... ughghghgh.

I haven't posted until tonight because candidly, I was just toooooo tired every night. My job requires me to write most days - which I love - and I did have a very productive week, but I realize that with the Nuk-o-rama, my brain just put up a defense and shut down. Actually, it was more like my brain saying to my body "Hey ... tell that beotch to REST UP already." So, by the time I headed off to my "OK, we are going to put your mask on now" Fun Fest, I could barely stand, much less think. In fact, last week, I had walked over to the hospital for a couple of the treatments - the hospital is literally a 5-minute walk and I thought it would be nice to get some exercise - but I cannot even muster up the energy to do that anymore. Please don't get me wrong - I don't say that to sound whiny, or "poor me" - that is complete anathema to me and it's just not my style. It's more to let you fine folks know that the effects of the treatment are starting to take effect and so, This Gal is glad to be able to have the time to rest up.

Speaking of resting up, hubby put up our hammock the other day and I treated myself today to some respite in our Uber comfy Adult-Cloth-Cradle-Nestled-Between-Two-Beautiful-Locust-Trees. Words cannot begin to describe how unbelievably beautiful and calming an experience it was to just allow the breeze to gently rock me, oh so gently ... to feel caressed by the warm breezes, to feel kissed by the sun ... and to just be .... it was heavenly. Truly heavenly.  It was an incredible experience to simply lie there and look up at the branches of the trees, the birds alighting there, listening to them sing and chirp ... I watched a hummingbird fly by me ... then a cardinal, who then perched in the branch above my head. I literally held my breath and felt so honored/honoured that he would choose to sit there, so close to me. I saw a chipmunk skip past me, not three feet away and he, too, stopped and simply looked at me and then skipped away. I felt like Dr. Dolittle! It was beyond awesome - that might sound strange, or hokey or just plain silly but I tell you, dear readers, it was again about perspective. Just lying there, being, appreciating the beauty that surrounds us every day. I am so grateful for that ... and will choose to focus on the small, beautiful positive things when I feel down or sad or not so well ..

It was so nice to finally just take the time to appreciate those small beautiful moments in life, because as the gal who drew my blood today and I were discussing, life is not about things. Things don't matter. They really don't. Oh, I have to go and have my blood drawn every two weeks for the next six months, as Dr Mint Green Shirt (chemo dude) wants to check my platelet, white blood count, all that good stuff - to see if my immune system is compromised, and thus, I have to wear another kind of mask. ("A funny thing happened on the way over here, ladies and goims" ... drum roll .... ) ... corny joke, I know, but all that to say, I bonded with E., the Blood Tech - who did an awesome job, by the way. I have always had a morbid fear of needles - and I married a Type 1 Diabetic who shoots up three times a day! - and I tell you, I barely felt that pointy sucker go in. Anyway, E sang to me, talked to me about the Lord's way (I started it by saying that God works in mysterious ways and thus, I don't ask "why me?" That's just futile and counterproductive in my view, but that's just me) ... and so, it was a good day ... a very good day ... hoping all of you fine folks had a good day too ...

Thanks as always for your support and love and for reaching out. Means the world to me - thank you, grazie, merci, gracias, danke! Now that I am off, I will likely be posting more often as I will still need to give my brain a bit of a work out; otherwise, I will be reduced to reading children's literature (which might actually be fun...). Tonight's sign off courtesy of Racherella... :-)

Slide, Slide, Slippity Slide, Fantastic Voyage (in the hammock) :-)

Cancerella, Handsome-Hammock-Hanger-Hubby, and our Two Feline Friends
xoxoxoxoxoxox

It was a good day, a very good day (quoth Rainwoman)

Well hello all. Quick update tonight to say that it was a good day today. I actually slept well (check) and then when I woke up, I was hungry (supercalifragilistically CHECK!) Giddy UP!! As I have been advised, and as I have read, and as I am learning, discovering, experiencing for myself - every day is in fact different. And thus, when I have a good day, I have much for which to be thankful. Again, perspective, right? (and Frosted Flakes this morning! Going with that carb thing) ;-)

I saw my regular radiation oncologist today as she is back from vacation and she actually apologized for not being around on the first day of my treatment. I was touched by that because it wasn't bull shit. I mean, she is actually a doctor who cares. Another thing for which to be grateful as I really do have amazing doctors. She gave me a hug when I saw her and then we discussed how I'm feeling, side effects (headaches and the like) and she did say that if I had headaches, that likely meant swelling and then she would have to prescribe steroids for me. What impressed me is that she actually remembered the awful side effects I had the last time I was on them. Uuuughghghghg. Did I say awful?!?! In any event, she rocks. Totally, absolutely rocks. I have her cell number and she, too, has an iPhone. She said "we should do Face Time!" We giggled about that. :-)

So....I am seeing Dr Mint Green Shirt (aka Oncologist Chemo Dude) next Wednesday as he wants to see how I am doing on the Chemocet (as if! Nothing happy in those big pills) and both docs have The Forms to fill out and sign so I can go out on leave. Although I feel good today - and again super pleased about that - tomorrow may be different. I am saying "Thank you Supreme Dude(ette)" for a good day. And although I know it will get more and more exhausting, especially with the Nuke-a-Noodle and the increasing effects of the daily Chemodin (again, I wish it was happy....is that bad?) at this point, I am just taking 'er one day at a time. :-) Every day is a gift .....and I will get through this....with your help, your love and the unbelievable love and support of my dear darling hubby.

Amd on that happy note, This Gal is signing off for tonight, my dear friends and family and again - thanks for YOU!  Tonight's sign off courtesy of my pal MS who is galavanting in the British Isles ....how delightful! (I am living vicariously through her at the moment, thanks to Facebook) 

Radiating Happiness and Positive Chemotions,

Cancerella (aka Rainwoman tonight), Sir Chocolatahad and The Two Felines (whose real names are Suzie and Gracie. Just sayin'...a constant source of amusement) :-)

xoxoxoxox

Happy Father's Day! PS Fruit Loops are yummy

Hello all. Just plain old English tonight (apologies for the white-bread approach ce soir ... ooooh ... a little francais ... ok ... a little white lie!) Happy Sunday and Happy Father's Day to all the wonderful dads out there - to my dear dad in heaven, to my dear uncle who was our legal guardian (God bless you, Zio), to my dear uncle who also was a father-figure to me (and who passed away 12 years ago), and to my dear oldest brother who was our - i.e. my sweet recently departed brother and me - our big brother and dad rolled into one - Happy Brother's Day. Sending love and hugs to you all on this grand day. And to my sweet hubby's dear dad ... Happy Papa-san day to you too. :-)

I have been a little low key the past few days, due in no small part to just feeling completely wiped out the past couple of days. On a positive note, we had torrential downpours here late last week, and because of that nasty weather, there was a small power outage at the hospital. So, This Gal had a wee respite from the Nuke Fest on Thursday, as the Big Ass Nuke Machine was taking a break from the job. I must say, having that one day off was delightful, as I slept well Thursday night and I woke up on Friday and my brain felt cloud-free, my eyes felt clear and I actually had an appetite. Thank God for small mercies, right? Now, I don't know if it was the vacation day from nuking, or if it's just that my middle-aged, menopausal body is adjusting to the treatments (methinks the latter - glass half-full, right? Gosh, I miss wine ... sigh ...)

So, all that to say, I have been actually eating things beyond chicken broth - although that is a regular standby. I woke up on Friday with the weirdest craving for .. are you ready? Fruit Loops. Yup. Fruit Loops. I honestly don't remember the last time I had that sugary treat. It's funny because the label states "high in fibre" or something equally as ludicrous. What's so funny is that after years of rigorous eating, cupboards stocked with healthy stuff like All-Bran, the 51% kind (that stuff is epic, I tell you), Bran Flakes, organic flax seed, fat free salad dressing, organic greens, yadda yadda yadda, I figure I am going to listen to my body and if my body is craving carbs and kiddie cereals like Apple Jacks and Cocoa Puffs, then I am going with it - at least for the next little while. After all, if I am eating at all, I figure that's a good thing. Period.

In the spirit of counting blessings and all of that good stuff, I tell you that the whole perspective thing has taken on a whole NEW perspective. (Is that redundant?) I mean, something as simple as having an appetite is - again - something I have always just taken for granted. So, when I wake up and actually want to eat, I figure that is a good day and I am thankful. Woo hoo! When I wake up and my head isn't cloudy and I don't feel doltish or thick and I have the energy to clean the house (boring but therapeutic), then it's a good day. Woo hoo! Today, I let one of our cats out into our beautiful back yard - gosh it really is so beautiful with everything having filled in and flowers in full bloom (the daisies are just getting ready to bloom - I LOVE daisies - such a happy, simple flower) - and just listening to the birds, feeling the breeze, laying back and absorbing the sun's awesome rays - it was one of those "stop and smell the roses" moments. 

On a tee-hee, giggly kind of note, when I let our cat out, she immediately bolted towards the back fence, as there was a squirrel running across the top of it that she naturally wanted to capture. Our cat - who hubby named Goof (her real name is Suzie) - missed the squirrel who had quickly taken cover in the nearby spruce tree - just beyond reach. The squirrel then proceeded to sit in the tree and yell, squawk, chastise, cuss Goof out for the full half hour she was outside. Not to be outdone, the birds also chimed in and it was a beautiful cacophony of sound; a wonderful nature's symphony. Next time, I will record it, as it one of those "Stop and Listen to the Cussing Squirrels" moments. And what made it funnier was that Goof seemed completely oblivious - or nonchalant; not sure which. 

In any event, I ended up sleeping most of the day after that ... guess all the excitement wiped me out. Again, thankful for small mercies like being able to rest up .... and if my body says "YO! Beotch! Time to sleep!" then, I have finally relented and am going to pay attention and just go with it ... eating, sleeping... and perhaps if I feel up to it, yoga (hubby bought me yoga classes last year ... I've only done one and was immediately hooked....very soothing) ...

Countdown is a bit off now, as the one day of missing radiation plus the one for the Fourth of July holiday will mean that I will be two days ahead on the chemo .... it's ok though ... 24 more melon nuke fests to go .... 20% of the way there ... or one-fifth ... soon it will be one-third, then one-half ... then it will be done. One day at a time, right? 

Thanks as always for reading, listening and for your support and love. Much appreciated!! Tonight's sign off courtesy of Uncle K...love you all ...xoxoxox

Radiating Love,

Cancerella, Buderello, and the Two Cats (Goof and Nob - hubby named them and their names fit :-) ...) 

xoxoxoxo

Fem dagar av strålbehandling, sju dagar av kemoterapi

Hej till alla. Freetranslation - my new buddy - tells me that this means "hello to everyone" in Swedish. Completely random choice of language tonight. I experimented with Bulgarian (too many funky symbols), Portuguese (some other night - it wasn't talking to me), Czech (maybe tomorrow) ... in any event, I landed on Swedish as I haven't been to Ikea in a while, so, please consider this my small tribute to the Swedes.

Today was a momentous day (what a proclamation!): Day Five of Melon Nuke Fest, Day Seven of Big-Ass-Chemo-Pill. In other words, This Progressively Woozy/Tired/Loopy Gal is One-Sixth of the Way There. Woo HOO! Then, I thought, well ... that's rather self-centered. I imagine all kinds of other significant things happened on this auspicious day, so I looked it up. For your reading pleasure, here are some highlights of some other momentous events that occurred on this day in history (your use-ful/less bits of trivia for the day. Are you ready?):

• After the Dutch pulled out of the colony of New Amsterdam in 1665, the English moved in and renamed it New York City, after the Duke of York. Cool right? One of THE best cities on the planet! 
• In 1792, George Vancouver discovers the Uber cool town of Vancouver, BC - another awesome place to visit/live!
• And ... in 1903, Niagara Falls, Ontario incorporated as a city (the best Falls are on the Canadian side - apologies if I am offending my American friends, but it's true). 
• And for my dear brother, the Baseball Hall of Fame opened on this day in 1939 in Cooperstown, NY. A true tribute to the wonderful sport of baseball.

In addition to sharing my celebrated (!) events with the above historic events, another notable event that happened today was that I went into the office (I have been working from home since Day One of Treatment Festival i.e. last Thursday). I needed to meet with some folks, and candidly, a large part of it was to test myself. I have been telling myself: "I can do this; I can do this; I can do this." Well, dear friends, family and readers-in-general, I must confess that it took an inordinate amount of energy to be around so many people, and this after less than one week of treatments. I was completely and utterly wiped out, spent, shattered as the Brits say, and hubby picked me up at 2:30 to take me to my Melon Fest and it was all I could do to not stumble, fall down, bounce off the walls from complete and utter fatigue. Oy. Sigh. Heavy sigh.

So .... there you have it. I am officially going out on leave, starting next week. This girl - i.e. me, i.e. Cancerella - cannot get my brain zapped every day, take big pills that seriously leave me feeling like I never want to eat again, stumble around in a fog (shit, that's after only one week! I AM going to be a drooling zombie soon ... GULP!) - I can't do that AND work at the same time. It's just not within the realm of This Gal's possibility. And that's OK. I need to rest. I need to sleep and rejuvenate and just ride out the next five weeks of this new temporary reality. And that will have to be OK. Mercifully, thankfully, I have the ability to take the time off ... thank you Jesus/Buddha/God/Allah ... I am so so tired this evening (I fell asleep on the radiation table today - how messed up is THAT?) and so, I am finally relenting and I am going to listen to my body, and to my hubby and my friends and family and the dear folks at work who are helping make this happen for me (thank you) and I am going to rest up and just ... rest ... so that I can continue to fight this bitch (cancer). Or as the Swedes say: "I helsike cancer" (hmmm ... freetranslation may be letting me down on this one....). Google translate says: "Knulla cancer". I like that better.

F**K cancer!

As always, tack. (Swedish for "thank you". Wow, the Swedes are very efficient and low-maintenance in every way). Wishing you all a wonderful evening, sending love, hugs and thanks, as always. And tonight's sign-off, courtesy of Racherella. :-)

god kväll från Judy's Jubilee

Cancerella, Bud och två katter
xoxoxoxo

Tag drei der Strahlentherapie Und Tag fünf der Chemotherapie

Guten Abend. I figure if this is going to go on for several more days/weeks, then I may as well shake it up a bit, get creative and count 'er down in a different language. Tonight's count down courtesy of the Uber practical, strong, commanding (drum roll please) Deutsch language! Danke, danke. I have always wanted to learn to speak German and I know a few key words - the important ones like how to order a beer - "Ein großes Bier bitte"; directions to the rest room - "Wo ist die Toilette bitte" (the two go hand-in-hand, after all); and I can count to one hundred, days of the week - all useful stuff indeed. I picked up some tidbits hither and thither over the years, and what can I say? I have a thing for languages ... I digress ...

Yup. Day 3 of Melon Fest; Day 5 of Chemo Fest (thanks KB for the suggestion - X marks one spot; FU the other!). Still feeling dizzy, light-headed and a little wonky after the radiation treatments, and that was over four hours ago. Treatments were longer today - 10 individual zaps in all and the first one alone was 45 seconds which is the longest yet. Ever. I'm still feeling zapped, zoinked. The radiation techs at the hospital (they know me well from when I hung out with them for seven weeks in late 2011, early 2012 so they could perma-tan my boobie) were kind enough to cut a hole for my nose in the mask mold. I had mentioned to them on Friday that the mold was pushing/squeezing the one side of my nose up into a veeeerrrry awkward position and I didn't tell them that because I plan on posing for the cover of Vogue's silver hotties collection (HA!), but the pressure was making it a little uncomfortable to breathe, frankly. And lo and behold, when I skipped into the treatment room today, they had fixed it for me - how sweet, right? The only downside is that I plan on taking that G-D mask with me after this is done - evidently lots of folks do - and I am going to paint it up, put googly eyes on it, dress it up with funky wigs, post bad WalMart earrings on to it, maybe a bad tattoo or two, all kinds of weird shit - and wear it to work on Halloween. HA! Now with a big hole where a nose profile used to be, it made me think of Hannibal Lector, or a skeletor. Oooooh, yeah, that could be fun.  Another fun thing to count down!

Hubby came to pick me up and we met with the Doc. Not my normal Doc, but a fill-in Doc. LOVED her. First of all - a female doc. Major points there. Second, short hair. More major points. Third, killer, bone-crushing hand shake. Fantabulous. LOVE great handshakes. Faaaaabulous all around. Seriously, she was awesome. She said something to me that resonated and I have not been able to stop thinking about it. Doc asked me how I was doing - mind you, this was right after the treatment (by the way, my blood pressure was 97 over 57 - at least I won't die of high blood pressure!), so I was trying diligently to construct a sentence: "noun + verb" (forget adverbs or adjectives) ... I have to tell you, it took an incredible amount of energy just to ar-ti-cu-late. Wow. Anyway, I told her that I was trying to process the emotional trauma of dealing with cancer twice within 18 months, to which she replied that having cancer once within 18 months totally sucks.

And you know? She's right. Cancer sucks. It totally sucks. I'm so tired now, but I know in my heart that I am going to kick this f**ker ....and I have to tell you, that this bloggy thingy and your help and support and your emails and comments and hugs are freakin' awesome. Thank you ...please keep 'em coming ...

She also said that the head and the brain are sacred (her words) so having cancer there just puts stuff into another stratosphere. That is not to say that having cancer elsewhere is not as serious; quite the contrary. It's just that she admitted - as many other doctors hubby and I have seen - that the medical community just doesn't know that much about the brain and so, it makes it more challenging to treat it. I also fessed up - as I am doing with you all now - that I am afraid of turning into a drooling idiot soon, especially since the treatments have already affected me and that's only after three treatments (zoink!). Doc did say that I would become progressively more tired, that my noggin might experience some swelling - in which case they'd give me some steroids (Go ARNIE! MUHH!) - but we will cross that fun melon bridge when and if we get there. I would rather know what to expect than not, so there you have it. On a positive front, the anti-barf pill - at $25 per pill I might as well get Vicodin or Percocet on the black market and have some fun! Yup, that's what they cost here in the US of A; thank GOD for super expensive health insurance! - yes, the anti-barf pill is helping with the chemo pill, so at least I'm sleeping through the night and not feeling queasy and blechhhh and running for the potty. So far, so good on that front. Yeah! Small victories, right? :-)

So there you have it. All the news that's fit to blather on and on and on about.

Wir wünschen Ihnen einen guten Abend (I think that says "wishing you a good evening" - my pal LAF who has lived in many exotic spots on this beautiful planet will please (bitte) correct my Deutsch if I have mistakenly said "your mother sleeps on a pay toilet" or something equally as funky). As always, thanks for reading and thanks for your love, hugs, support and comments. Muah~! Tonight's sign off courtesy of my pal, LAP, who suggested a lovely sign off in Italian, and so I am going to shake it up and offer it up in both Italian and German! Much love to you all and thank you for ....

Viaggio con me .....Reisen Sie mit mir

Cancerella Und Schokolade mann Und Zwei Katzen
xoxoxoxoxo

Buon compleanno, caro Papa

Buona domenica a tutti. Hoping everyone had a glorious Sunday. Picture perfect here - 80 degrees Fahrenheit (27 Celsius for my Canadian family and friends), 50 percent humidity, azure blue sky, gentle breeze. Absolutely, gloriously, dazzling day. And today is venerable for another reason; my father would have been 88 years old today. Happy birthday, Papa, or as my dear family in Italia would say: "Buon compleanno!"

My father - Vito was his name - was a good man. He was handsome, dashing, hard-working, an extrovert, talkative (some might say opinionated), quick-witted, and although he was not an educated man, he was  well-read and intelligent. He immigrated to Canada in 1948 from post-war Italy, which was not in a very happy economic state at the time, and he - like many others of his generation - left his family and home land to seek a new life in the land of opportunity. With a mere $20 in his pocket, and literally the clothes on his person, my father bid adieu to everyone he knew and loved - including my mother who would join him three years later -  took a train to Genoa, where he boarded a Canada-bound ship, sailed for days and days, eventually reaching Halifax, where he then hopped on a train and at last, he reached uncles in Hamilton and Guelph - weeks and weeks of travel.

Now, imagine it if you will. In those days, there was no high speed anything. The trains were chug-a-lug. There were no flights - immigrants traveled third-class on boats and not fancy cruises! No cell phones. No texts. No telephones period! People were incommunicado for weeks on end. Telex was a privilege reserved for the wealthy. And add to that, the thought of having to say good bye to everyone you love, not knowing when you would see them again - I cannot even imagine the depths of those emotions. And all because of the need and desire to make a new life. When my father started working, he toiled - literally - in a foundry; back-breaking, thankless, dirty, miserable work. I still have childhood memories of my father coming home from work at that accursed foundry, wracked with pain, and you must know that he was a brave man and a man of his generation; that is, men of his time did not cry. But my father would come home from that foundry and lay on the living room floor and my mother would comfort him as he tried to find relief for the searing pain in his back. Alas, the foundry was a means to an end; my dear father didn't complain because he saved every penny and dollar from those paychecks, and he and my two uncles literally built the house I grew up in - there was never a mortgage on the house I might add - and we never wanted for anything, ever ... ever ...a warm, cozy home; clothes; a new car every five years; refrigerator, fruit cellar and wine cellars full of food, canned goods, wine .... I have fond childhood memories of never wanting for anything .....including lots of love and affection and hugs and kisses ...

And yet, flash forward to today and we dare complain about not having enough stuff. About getting cut off in traffic in our $50,000 cars. About having to wait in line for our $6 coffee; that there is nothing to watch on the 800 high-definition channels on our 80-inch flat screen TV...blah blah blah, yadda yadda yadda ..... oy vey ... I could go on and on with more inconsequential examples, but my point is not to  come off as high-and-mighty, or judgmental. Quite the contrary. For me, it all comes back to perspective. My new mantra... that, and F**K Cancer! because lung and throat cancer killed my dear father. So, tonight's post is to raise my imaginary glass of home made Italian red wine (the best stuff EVER and drink enough of it and it will in fact make you see God; just sayin') and to toast the memory of my dear departed father, who I love more every day, who I miss more every day and to whom I wish a very happy birthday. Buon compleanno, caro Papa. Ti amo.

Giuditta (aka Cancerella)
xoxoxoxo

Eureka! Two different countdowns! It's contest time!

Greetings to you all on this beautiful Saturday. Hoping the clouds finally parted where you are, as they did here, and that you are enjoying some late afternoon rays ("Don't forget your sunscreen". "Yes Mom"). It actually feels like spring, and the birds are singing, the chipmunks are chirping, and even the groundhogs came out for a tour. I love it when that happens - everything is in bloom in our back yard and it's gorgeous. Perspective, right?

 I wasn't going to write today but thought I needed to for a couple of reasons; the first one is that I need to stop and count my blessings, as I have been feeling a little cranky and overwhelmed the past few days. I suppose that's normal; I mean, I think everything finally hit me on Thursday when I went for my first Melon Fest - that Holy Shit, I have a freakin' brain svulst. I hate it when that happens. Plus, I think I have been suffering from a mild case of I-Have-This-Completely-Under-Control-And-Nothing-Is-Going-To-Change. And it hit me ....after just two treatments of the old Nuk-o-rama, and two of those Gawd awful pills (yup, felt sick again last night - blecchhh), that maybe, just maybe, I won't be able to be Super Woman and go into work every day, and pretend like everything is just "normal". It's a different, new kind of "normal", at least for the next little while, and I need to realize that, and I am admitting to you all here - publicly (holy shit) - that maybe I'm not as strong as I thought I was. Wait. No, that's not it. Nope. I think it's more that maybe it's realizing that I have to take care of me and that if I don't take of myself physically, then emotionally and psychologically, everything will be out of sync. After all, it's all connected and if one thing is out of balance, then everything is out of balance.

It's a lot to process. A lot to think about. A lot. 

The other thing I thought of is that I actually have two countdowns for Phase One; yup, two, not one. The 30-day thing (like that bad movie Sandra Bullock was in a few years ago, or was it 28 days? Whatever - doesn't matter!) is just the Head-Blaster-Thing; the Gosh-I-Hope-I-Don't-Feel-Like-Barfing-EVERY-Night thing is actually 42 days. Hmmm .... I'm thinking I need two calendars? Or maybe two different colored markers? Or an X in one color, and an F-U in another? Your thoughts/opinions/feedback are most, most welcome. The more creative and outrageous the better, as I am thinking I am needing something funny and crazy to get through this. Maybe it's this G-D head cold - I mean really?? A head cold? How untimely and obnoxious .... seriously though, folks, I welcome your ideas on how to Count-Down-The-Two-Treatment-Thingies.



And I know I said two things, and I veered off topic on the first one - i.e. counting my blessings (apologies for that ...) so here I go. (Ahem ahem. Is this on?) I am thankful for the ability to see beautiful flowers, lush green trees, sweet lightning-quick chipmunks. I am thankful for the ability to hear cardinals, chickadees and robins singing, children laughing as they enjoy a bike ride, and Edgar Winter Group playing Free Ride! (yup, that is what is currently playing) I am thankful for beautiful sunny days like today, for the feel of a lovely spring breeze across my face, for the smell of freshly laundered sheets. I am thankful for the ability to walk, to drive (oh wait - not until November 24! ;-) ...), to speak, to write, to eat, to drink, to think, to laugh, to love, to feel happiness. I am thankful for amazing doctors who take good care of me. I am thankful for caring, generous employers who have been so kind to me. I am thankful for loving, supportive, empathetic and encouraging friends and family. I am thankful for an adorable, cozy house, and the darling sweet husband and two kitty cats who make it a warm, comfortable, loving home. I will continue to count my blessings as I have so much for which to be thankful - including you wonderful readers. Thank you all for bearing with the ups and downs of my ongoing journey and for your continued love and support.

Perspective. Glass half full. Think positive. Deep cleansing breath. (must do more yoga)



Signing off, dear friends, family and dear readers. Wishing you a tremendous rest-of-the-weekend and thanks to Uncle K. for an appropriate sign-off.

Radiating Happiness.

Cancerella, Dr. B. and The Two Kitties
xoxoxox

2 Down/28 To Go. And Really? A Cold? I Snort In Your General Direction!

Happy Friday all. The Nuke Melon Fest continued today and it was especially fun, as the treatment was exponentially longer than yesterday's divertimento, as my cugini in Italia would declare. Perhaps the lovely Doc wanted to ensure my Svulst-Infested-Melon had a booster shot for the weekend. Oy vey ... it is a completely different experience than the Titty-Nuke (sorry if I am offending anyone with the lingo and especially since I have a dear friend who is currently suffering from breast cancer and is undergoing radiation. F**K cancer!!)

Perhaps the effects of the rays are already affecting my brain. Or maybe it's two days without a glass of vino ... sigh. A friend of mine said it would be easier to stick my head in a microwave; maybe she's right! Here's a shot of the big-ass machine I lay on every day ... and then it spins around my Itsnotta-Filled-Testa and nukes the shit of those bad-ass cancer cells. F**K CANCER! (I am now claiming a mild case of Tourette's too - again, apologies if I am offending anyone. And sorry Jesus, for cussing. Actually, on second thought, no I'm not. F**K cancer! I'm a little cranky at cancer ce soir... so there...and I'm allowed...)

I have to tell you that I am already beat
and that's after only two treatments. At the risk of sounding repetitive (see above - Tourette's), Dr. B (aka my hubby), made an excellent point yesterday and so natch, I thought of it today as that big-ass machine was doing laps around my newly coiffed crown and how the rays had to penetrate my skull and that they were treating my brain! Wow, truth be told, I am a little fearful that Yours Truly ain't going to be able to do much except sleep and drool for the next six weeks, much less work. Time off is becoming a definite reality ....

Then, last night, after I popped Monster-Big-Ass-Chemo-Pill, I felt mildly Ughy (read: gross/disgusting/mildly nauseous/blecccchhhh) a couple of hours afterwards (thank God for anti-barf pills). Giddy up indeed! Hoping it will be better tonight; otherwise, it's going to be a very long few weeks and it will be an especially long six months, when the dosage goes waaaaaaaaay up. And it will be a very long few months for hubby. Oh, and to add to the fun, I woke up with a cold this morning. *sniff* *snort* *sneeze* *sniffle* .....freakin' cold ....

Oh yeah .... and F**K Cancer!

Speaking of F**K Cancer, my pal KSL sent me a gorgeous bracelet today. Thanks a bajillion quadrillion (real number) KSL!!! I heart you! Check it out. How fantabulous that I can wear my new battle cry on my wrist every day! And not only is the bracelet divine, I adore that the script is subtle enough that someone would have to get really close and ask "Oh ...mmmm.....what dat say?" F**K Cancer! YEAH! :-) :-)

And on that happy note, this gal needs to sleep. Mercifully, there is no Nuke Fest over the weekend; only Monday to Friday, with the Chem-ecstasy Whopper every day - as my pal KB says, "Count 'er Down!". Count 'er down indeed. Two down. Twenty-eight nukers to go. Phase One is 0.06% there (did I do that math correctly?)

Hoping you folks have an awesome weekend planned and sending much love and many hugs your way. Tonight's sign off courtesy of Racherella (seems appropriate, considering it's pouring rain here and my brain matter seems to be sliding ...). Tanti baci tutti! Ti amo!!





Slide, Slide, Slippity Slide, Fantastic Voyage

Cancerella and Her Dashing Budiolo
xoxoxox

D-Day - Figuratively and Literally (sense a theme here?). PS 1 Down; 29 To Go! (Thx, KB!)

Well ....today is D-Day. In more ways than one. Back in 1944, the Allies invaded Normandy, and today, in this gal's world, I - Cancerella - donned my own warrior princess gear, strapped on my molded mask, and with the assistance of the Soldiers (aka Nuke/Radiation Techs/Nurses) at the hospital, started my own invasion of the G-D (sorry Jesus/God/Buddha) Nazi cancer cells in my brain. Then, I stumbled home (wow, the treatment really zapped me), and I then embarked on Phase 2 of the Nazi Cancer Cell Invasion, by popping the biggest frickin' pill I have ever seen and taken - the Chem-ecstasy pill - also affectionately known as Temodar.


As my family, pals - oh and a web site! - all proclaim: "F**K Cancer!!" Yes! My new battle cry! That is, after I have a nap ...zzzzzz..... oy vey ...

Wow. I have to say that this first treatment really sucked my energy. That mildly freaks me out because it's the whole "one down, twenty-nine to go" (thanks KB!! xo) and if I'm already in a state of ZZZZZ-ness, then it will be a looooooong six weeks. There's part of me that also thinks the anxiety and tension of R+C = D Day has been building and so, fatigue and general weariness would be a normal reaction.

Buderello (aka Hubby) did put it into perspective by stating the obvious and that is that the radiation treatments do have to penetrate my skull - good point, Dr. B. :-) I must say that the treatments are longer than the treatments I had for The Boob; I was on the table, strapped in to My Mask for a good 20 minutes and I counted six zaps of 20 seconds in length - far longer than the zaps I remember on my Now-Perma-Tanned-Titty. Speaking of tans, the nurse reminded me that my face will also have a perma-tan and before you sun-worshipers applaud, methinks it won't be in a good way. Thankfully, Sephora has all kinds of good shit to cover up blotchy skin! Woo hoo!

So there you have it ... my adventures for Day One. Tomorrow, it's a little more Lather-Rinse-Repeat, until of course, I have no hair to lather up or rinse. Until I become progressively more wasted (and not in the happy sense) and then morph into Zomberella, I am counting down the days and thinking positive Cancerella thoughts - pardon my crude lingo but at a time like this and with a tumor/tumour in my head, I somehow think you fine, wonderful, beautiful folks will forgive me ... and also join me in shouting from your balconies, from your proverbial rooftops, from the mountaintops (do you hear angels singing? Am I hallucinating?): "F**K CANCER!!!"


And until then, sending each and every one of you much, much love and many bone-crushing hugs (if I fall asleep and drool on you while hugging you, thanks in advance for forgiving me!). Tonight's sign off is a general F-U to The Tumaaaaa, The Svulst, The Itsnotta ...

Kiss my astrocytoma,

Cancerella (and Buderello)
Many many x's and o's

Ready. Set. Choose an option

So....I finally made a couple of calls today. Yes, I have been trying to be brave and all of that good stuff and at the same time, I need to evaluate possible options, because that is the sensible adult thing to do. Part of it relates to not ever wanting to feel like I am abusing a privilege - I think it's the Catholic in me. Turns out that because I have worked at the spot I have for as long as I have, I am entitled to some benefits on the short term disability front. Frankly, the thought of it makes me mildly nauseous - not in the physical sense, but here in the US of A, people just work and work and work some more and if you don't, there is a part of me that believes that perhaps somewhere folks think ill of you.

Statistically speaking, Americans take the fewest vacation days per capita of any country on the planet. Highest incidents of heart disease and stroke. Stress, long hours etc ....so, truth be told, although the gal I work for had actually put forward the idea of the whole short term leave thing (thanks db) and she and her boss (thanks ac) and her boss (thanks lk) have all been very generous, I am digging deep to find the answer as to why I might feel strange about taking it. And I want to tell myself it's not guilt; not all of it anyway. It's the whole concept that my life on a personal level really is more important and that it took me this long and this shit to figure that out. Now, please know that I have always loved my husband, my friends, my family - it's that these events and the events of the past two years have finally made me understand what matters. Better late than never though, right? Count my blessings, count my blessings, count my blessings. I need to keep telling myself that. And that hell, I am brave and strong but at some point, it may come down to the simple fact that getting my head nuked and taking drugs that kill frigging cancer cells (ok ...think about THAT for a second....hmmmmm) may make me a little tired and stupid and thick and all of that hell - or perhaps more aptly - WTF - I should take time to rest, rejuvenate, recuperate ..... because ...well ...because that is the right thing to do ....for so many reasons....

Wow. Deep revelations aplenty here. Holy shit.

Aaaaaaaaand.... all of this really does cast a different light on things for me. It's like part of me has woken up from some kind of sleep or that This Thing has snapped the blind and Eureka! There's the sun!! I can see! It's like something, someone lifted the fog, made things clear. I'm not very prosaic tonight but I hope you might understand ...and thanks for sharing my innermost thoughts, feelings, fears, hopes .....

And on that happy sunny note, I wish you all a good night, fondest regards and lots of love. Tonight's salutation courtesy of Racherella (merci beaucoup, chere amie),

Bonne soiree from Judy's Jubilee

Cancerella and Budiolo

xoxoxoxo

T minus 3.....

Hello all.  Well. The chem-ecstasy pills - affectionately known as Temodar - came via UPS on Saturday, along with 8 pages (legal length!) of how-to's, what to look out for, side effects, how many times I might barf and the only thing missing was the anti-barf pills. Giddy up. Radiation starts Thursday because I had to arrange stuff at work around some stuff at work, a delightful circle. So there you have it. My six weeks of fun is finally set to begin. Wish I could say I was in a better frame of mind but frankly there was just weird shit and weird vibes and weirdness everywhere ...and candidly ....here it is ...are you ready? Brace yourselves .... I am scared.

There. I said it. It's true.

And I am ok with admitting that. It is a natural, normal reaction to a major, life-altering event - this brain tumour/tumor thing. This spate of major treatments - and no, it's not IV chemo - they are pills-  for which I am grateful and I love my friends and family who are trying to be supportive and helpful and do the glass half full thing - truly, honestly, deeply - when they say "hey, it could be worse. It's not IV chemo." Please do not misinterpret my words as anything other than just long-overdue venting of fear, anxiety, nail-biting "holy SHIT, I have a f**king BRAIN TUMOUR/TUMOR and I'm having major f'ing treatments AND I am still going to work and carry on ... la la la la la la ....". Holy shit.

Really? Pinch me.

And yes, I have been through radiation but I do not know how nuking my brain will affect me. Will I be as clever and witty and delightful (and humble) as I am and always have been? ;-) ....seriously, though, Doc Nuke (who I adore) was a little cagey when I asked about how it would make me feel, long term effects - and this goes beyond hair loss - that is cursory, surface, illusory shit that just doesn't matter in the long run (and yes, I am in a cussing mood tonight - I'll ask The Big Dudette for forgiveness). I have joked about wigs and all that fun stuff; all of that is temporary and I suppose if I am brutally honest ce soir, there is a part of me that wonders and admits that perhaps I have not fully come to grips with the Potential Long Term Effects Of This Thing and that it is what is finally hitting me. The momentous nature of it all ...but I will cross each bridge as it comes, I suppose. And for now, I have come to the next big bridge. The Six-Week Bridge. And getting through that ... and trying to work at the same time ... heavy sigh ....

So ... that's my story tonight. Light-hearted, right? Sigh. Make that another heavy sigh. And a few tears. And you know? That's OK ... it really is ... if I didn't somewhere finally break down and realize what was happening, I suppose I wouldn't be a normal human being. I have tried to be strong and all of that good stuff and I think I have held up well thus far; it just hit me today, that's all ...and in that glass-half-full nature - that truly truly is my motto - I am comforting myself with the knowledge and the warmth of the love of my darling husband - who cut the flowers below for me from our garden (aren't they so so pretty? One of life's beautiful wonders....the whole stop-and-admire-the-flowers-thing), the love and never-ending concern of my dear brother, the love and support of my amazing family and friends ... so, so much for which to be grateful ... and that is what I am reflecting upon right now. That and the fact that hubby let me borrow his laptop to write this (doing this on my iPad is a pain in the ass....!) :-)

For now, I am sending you all my love, many hugs and many many thanks for all of your unwavering support, love, patience .... please know how much that means to me ... and to hubby ...

Tonight's sign off courtesy of MS, and Uncle K, and these words will be my inspiration over the next six weeks ...thank you both and love you both! (and then, I will look forward to Racherella's sign off's ... Judy's Jubilee; Gone Fishin'; ... and then the fun stuff - again, from Racherella!! - when I don't know what my name is ... Slide, Slide, Slippity Slide, Fantastic Voyage and Wet 'n Wild, Long, Hot, Summer) :-) xoxoxo

Radiating Happiness, Radiating Love and Positive Chemo-tions

Cancerella and Buderello
xoxoxo

PS Thanks as always for listening ... especially tonight.