Super skinny (EEK), possibly a blonde and a fun new pill?

On Wednesday, hubby and I met with Dr-Ferragamo-At-Times-Pliner for my monthly check-up and I tell you, I look forward to these visits for the simple reason that I am curious to see what new shoes and dapper duds he will be sporting. He is very stylish for a middle-aged, white, straight dude and somehow I think his wife (a very stylish nurse at the center) and his gay friends dress him, but regardless, he rocks those pink and mint green shirts and the Uber-stylish (and Uber-expensive) Ferragamo and Pliner souliers. As shallow as that may sound, please allow me to level set here, folks. For starters, the visit is held at a cancer center where every single person that is walking or wheeling through those doors is currently, or has been, afflicted to varying degrees with The Big C, whether in remission or not, and while I certainly appreciate how everyone who works there is upbeat and smiling and positive and full of hugs and hope, let's face it -- the reality is that it's f**king cancer we're dealing with. (Sidebar: I have a confession to make. I'm not in a "the Tumaaaaaa is my friend" kind of mood today. Feeling kind of shitty from the chemo so I am taking this opportunity to vent a little. It's my prerogative! Waaaaaaa!)

And second, the key purpose of the visit is so that I can enlighten Doc F with the relative degree of emotional and physical shittiness I am currently experiencing so he can tap-tap-tap enter the info into my file. After all, although I would like to think that we are there to chitchat about his wardrobe choices that day, the reality is that we are there to discuss the fact that I have a Tumaaaaaaaaaa in my head, how much weight I have lost yadda yadda yadda, and on this visit, the shingles and ear incidents and how long my double vision lasted. Confession number 2 (hmmmm.... a long overdue visit to my priest, methinks!). Yup, I didn't share that bit with you folks in my last post. I had double vision for four days last week. Just a wee bit disconcerting. However, hubby and I were in Canada for reasons of vital personal importance to dear family members and thus, there were certain things that were just best kept quiet. Where

was I? Ah yes. Dr. F did indeed delight with a brand new pair of Salvatore Ferragamo loafers yesterday, along with a pink checkered shirt. I tell you, he was looking very urbane. And for simplicity's sake -- and for shits and giggles -- his new moniker will be Dr. Salvatore simply because he is the antithesis of what a Salvatore might look like. More importantly though, I happen to think he's a good doctor -- and he's such a good sport and laughs at all my inappropriate comments, and for those of you who know me well, you know I am easily taken in by someone who laughs at my jokes. (Confession number 3!)

So, here's the deal. I have lost a little more weight since last week and while several years ago I might have been ecstatic to be skinny -- especially after being on Weight Watchers for most of last year!! -- truth be told, I now weigh what I did in university (college for my American friends) and that is highly alarming to me. I simply don't feel like eating a lot of things that I used to enjoy. Now, I must say that when we were in Canada, I did enjoy a Harvey's burger and for my American friends, next time you are in Canuckistan, you simply must indulge. Nothing in the US comes close. A bold claim, I know but true. I also scarfed down a

Beavertail, another AWESOME treat. It's a fried dough pastry, hand stretched to resemble a beaver's tail (no inappropriate jokes, please!) and sprinkled with cinnamon, sugar, lemon .... A-MA-ZING! But we can't get Harvey's or Beavertails here in the US - waaaaa!! All kidding aside though, as I just don't enjoy a lot of food stuffs these days, hubby asked Dr. Salvatore if he would prescribe me some medicinal weed. Yup, medicinal weed. Don't ask, don't get right? ;-) Well, turns out there is a pill form and so, I am going to try that to see if it will boost my appetite. I asked him if it would make me see Jesus (he blushed, then giggled -- YES!) and he said it had similar effects to smoking weed so if I get paranoid while smoking weed (bold of him to presume that I have smoked weed -- harumph!!), then the pill would make me paranoid too. Not going on the record here as this is a public forum but the moral of the story is that this pill thing-y is legal, any side effects should be (ahem) interesting but most importantly, hopefully it will make me want to eat. Beyond that, my blood work is normal -- yeah! -- and because my MRI on August 9 came back as stable, looks like I don't have to have an MRI for another couple of months or so. Originally, the plan was that I was supposed to have MRI's every other month, but looks like that has changed because Il Tumore is in its proper place and contained. Good news there! YEAH!

On a mildly different note, as I mentioned in my last post, I am heading back to work on the 30th and a pal jokingly said to me that this was my last week of freedom. Been giving that some thought and while I have certainly appreciated the opportunity to rest and rejuvenate at home, I am now ready to rejoin the real world and feel a renewed sense of normalcy. I am optimistic; however, I am also realistic and practical and know that there may be a couple of little bumps along the way, especially with the continued chemo and it is The Big C, after all so God forbid anything could happen. I am optimistic, though, and have found a strength and fortitude and inner peace within me that surprises even me. Funny that, right?

I have always been fascinated by the human psyche and what makes us as people do the things we do and what makes us grow as people. I also think that there are so many folks out there who expend so much energy in avoiding pain or pretending that everything is fine, and in doing so, they avoid living to a large extent. Pretending pain does not exist is simply not realistic. Now please do not misunderstand me. I am not suggesting that we as humans actively seek out pain and suffering; quite the contrary. It's about viewing pain and suffering for the lessons they teach us and how they make us stronger and more resilient and how they make us appreciate life and things that matter. One of the most amazing high school teachers I ever had -- she impacted the way I think to this day, God bless her -- once quoted in one of her English classes (yes, English; not philosophy): "Suffering is the sole origin of consciousness." Now, while that might sound bleak, there's a large element of truth to that statement. It's all about perspective and things being relative. How can you truly know joy if you have not experienced pain? It's just opposite ends of the same spectrum. So, all that to say, this experience has just reinforced to me -- and apologies for being repetitive -- what makes me happy and what really matters. Positive people who care and appreciate what matters and who view the world with a glass half full approach. A beautiful sunny day. Simple pleasures that I have taken for granted and just not ever taken the time to "see" and "hear" before: birds chirping, children laughing, beautiful trees, flowers, music ...I could go on and on.

And ... as I said, I am as ever optimistic -- I just could not imagine spending any more time at home. It just continues to remind me that I have cancer and I am anxious to get back out there, 85% of me and all! Being out in the real world makes me feel more normal (although that word bothers me -- I mean, who has the right to define "normal" after all?), less "sick", more optimistic and productive and just being around people. I miss people! Yeah! I DO feel better. Plus, after having cleaned out every closet (true), the basement (three-day project, that) and every single nook and cranny, there just isn't anything else to clean! ;-) And I am getting over my obsession with my hair. True fact! Hubby -- the awesome dude that he is -- picked up a couple of wigs for me so I will bring them into work with me next week. Whaddya all think? I've always wanted to be a blonde.

So .... that's all This Gal wrote for today. Thanks as always for reading my musings and for humouring me. Received a few more cards this week -- thank you KSL, KV, TL and AF for your lovely cards and for thinking of me! Every single card I have received since The Big C set up shop in my Grey Matter is in my home office and it is completely overwhelming. Looking at all of them reminds me how fortunate and blessed I am to have so much love in my life. Thank you all -- for everything. You are all in my prayers, every night, because after all, giving thanks for what matters is even more important. Humbling exercise ... and quite redemptive.

Love you all and God bless.

Cancerella, Buderello, and the Two Kitties
xoxoxoxoxo

Round 2/Phase 2: Rock My World - White Pills vs. Blue

Greetings to one and all on this glorious official second day of fall. The sun is shining, the air is crisp and it's just starting to look and smell like autumn. I love Sweater Weather and the fall season where hubby and I currently reside is just a wee bit longer than in our beloved home-and-native-land, where it is hot, sticky and humid one day, followed by a couple of weeks of leaves changing and temperatures dipping....then BLAMMO! You are shoveling snow and freezing your butt off for the next six months. OK, perhaps a slight exaggeration and I have likely irked my fellow Canuckistanian compatriots for perpetuating a stereotype (sorry 'bout that), but I tell you that the city where hubby and I resided for 20+ years does indeed - for all intents and purposes - have two seasons: 1) Hot and 2) Really Freakin' Cold. And it is particularly top of mind because we just returned from a trip there and thus, my habitual digressions are markedly magnified.

In any event, it has once again been a while since I have sat down in my home office chair (and a comfy one at that), stared at my computer screen and then proceeded to unleash my musings, anxieties and general outlook on the World-Through-The-Eyes-Of-A-Gal-With-A-Brain-Tumaaaa-And-No-Hair (yes, I confess that I am mildly - ok more-than-mildly - obsessed about my hair. I declare that it is my prerogative and it is my right to throw the odd follicly-challenged temper tantrum!) Where was I? Ah yes. Sitting, droning on and on, not saying much of anything, so time to bring you fine folks up to speed.

When last I posted, I was just getting over a case of the shingles, and I couldn't hear out of my left ear. Mercifully, on the shingles bit, they (touch wood/knock on wood) have not returned. Additionally and on a very positive note, hubby and many of our pals have taken advantage of the new shingles vaccine, so for those of you who have had chickenpox as a child, I strongly recommend that you please take advantage and get vaccinated. Shingles is U-G-L-Y, nasty, sh**ty, painful, icky. Plus, the drugs the docs prescribe for you are just as ugly, nasty and icky. The three-second investment of  "This may sting a little" offers an outstanding return. Point made, methinks. :-)

On the ear issue, the Sudafed my radiation oncologist suggested I take just wasn't helping, so hubby and I did go and see my primary care physician a couple of weeks ago. Gosh, I adore her; she gave me a huge hug when she saw me. I mean, how many of you can say that your doctor hugs you? Heavy sigh. She personifies what a doctor should be and is absolutely in the right profession. I digress. She prescribed a six-day booster pack of methylprednisolone - AKA corticosteroids - and 10-days worth of antibiotics - Giant Pink Pills (at least they weren't Big BLUE Pills!). Yeah. More drugs!!! I've read that for some folks, steroids give them energy and increase their appetite, but sadly, they have the opposite effect on me, so lo and behold, I lost a little more weight over the past couple of weeks and slept a lot. Sounds all too familiar, doesn't it? Heavy sigh revisited. The moral of the story, though, and the good news is that I can now hear out of my left ear. All that matters. Alleluia! Alleluia! All-e-luuuuuuuu-i-aaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!!!

And ....the big news is that This Gal is heading back to work in one week. One week! GULP! For the first few weeks, I will go into the office one or two days a week, then work from home the remainder of the time and then ramp up to a full-time week when I feel ready. I am so thankful for the flexibility I am being offered, and plus, the added bonus is that the work I do isn't such that I need to show my face (and bald head) in the office every single day. Speaking of my bald head (yet again) and my Skinnier-Than-Ever-Middle-Aged-Body, I had a chat with my dearest pal CIF over the weekend and I was telling her that I was forced to do some retail therapy recently because many of my clothes simply do not fit me. At some point, I intend to put some weight back on and in fact, I haven't shopped for anything all year and hubby can attest to that, so I only picked up a few things. It just seems so unimportant. After all, it's just stuff, right? So, my pal remarked to me that when I start to think about what I am going to wear and pulling myself together as it were, that I MUST be feeling better and that I am ready to face the world. And I hadn't thought of it in quite that way, but she's right! Bravissima, CIF!

The other thing I decided is that This Gal ain't buying a wig. At least, not in the short term. Nope, there's a permanency to it that is just not quite palatable to me. Perhaps if I had long hair, it might be easier? So hats, caps and scarves it is! Started stocking up on jaunty little cappelli and I must admit, I am stoked about wearing them. And I may do the bald thing but there is no rush for that. This experience has taught me so many things, one of which is setting the right priorities. To jump off the deep end on Day One is not prudent and after all, I want to do it for me and when I'm ready. Is it possible that I'm finally growing up? ;-) Read a great quote recently and it states that maturity comes when we understand small things. Discuss.

And ... Round Two of The Big White Pill starts tonight.

Yup, same chemo except the pills they shipped me this time around are white, not blue. Shakin' it up a bit. I like it. Maybe someone from the pharma company read my rant about how they are sadists for making all of their pills blue. So, five days of The Big White Pill and no vino (waaaaaah!), a full weekend of sleep and then back-to-work - and the real world or a different world I should say - on Monday! So much more to fill you fine folks in on - for now, I have prattled on long enough, methinks. The moral of the story is that I am feeling good, energy levels are good, appetite is still a little slow in coming back but I'm sleeping well and my head feels clear. AND I can add two plus two! (YEAH!). Oh .... also heading to see Dr-Ferragamo-Slash-Pliner this Wednesday. Will keep you updated on the latest developments (fingers/toes/eyes crossed that it's all good news!)

Thanking all of you again - from the bottom of my heart - for all of your love, support, cards, texts, emails, phone calls. Hubby and I seriously could not have gotten through any of this without your love and support and encouragement. How fortunate are WE?? Look forward to hosting some of you fine folks soon - cc, MM, KSL, Big Bro...and DC, it was awesome to have you over a couple of weeks ago; Mama-san and Papa-san - sending much, much love your way; P & S K - SO good to see you; and the M clan - love you all so so much.

Speriamo di vedervi presto. Noi vi amiamo.

Cancerella, Buderello, e i Due Gatti
xoxoxoxoxo

More blue pills, round one/phase two completed and can you speak up, please?

And here we are ...the end of the summer with Labour Day already behind us. When the hell did that happen? It's been a while since I posted, I know. Been dealing with some ups and downs. After all, every day is an adventure! Seems like only yesterday that I started skipping down my own Yellow-Brick-Nuke-Her-Head-Wicked-Witch-And-Make-Her-Take-Toxic-Blue-Pills-Road. The

only thing missing on my fun little jaunt was my own pair of sparkly ruby red slippers -- although I do own a pair of faaabulous red stilettos. And while I am indeed grateful that the 49-day fiesta is behind me, the regime did put many things in perspective for me, not to mention the most important reason for enduring the grueling process in the first place -- to begin to hold Il Tumore at bay. So far, so good -- YEAH! I feel like Diana Nyad. Find a way and keep going.

I must say that the two weeks after the treatments ended were akin to feeling reeeeally hung over after an epic all-weekend party in university (or college for my American friends). With a couple of key exceptions. Food? Blecccch - no thank you. Sleep? Yes please and kindly don't wake me for two weeks. Most disconcerting of all, though, is having found myself with such epic intellectual dorkiness that simple functions like adding two plus two (mild exaggeration for dramatic effect) were simply too mentally taxing. To find myself feeling less

than my-usual-relatively-intelligent-self was a humbling experience to say the least, so needless to say, when the mental smog started to lift and I started regaining some of my energy and little things like the smell of bacon didn't want to make me hurl (a tragic consequence of the treatments), certain food groups stopped tasting like the inside of an old rusty can AND I could add three plus three (exaggerated dramatic effect re-visited) I started proclaiming Hallelujah! from the rooftops. YEAH! I never thought something as simple as appreciating the smell of cured meat from the back/side/belly of a pig - or even having taken it for granted - would be worth celebrating. More importantly, though, having taken for granted simple things like being able to think clearly, concentrate, read for longer than five minutes, hold an intelligent conversation -- to name just a few -- underscored how much I have taken for granted all these years. I have always lived in my head, so to speak, so to find myself attacked where I lived was quite a setback and a blow for me. And so, I will continue to put things into their proper perspective, celebrate the small stuff, not worry about s**t that doesn't matter and not take s**t for granted.

So, a couple of updates. Saw my radiation oncologist last week for my follow-up appointment and told her about some itchy, painful spots on my back that had been bothering me for a couple of days prior to the visit. Nothing related to my head nuking, but thought I would mention it to her nonetheless. Well, lo and behold, the itchy/painful bits turned out to be shingles. Yup. Freakin' shingles. WTF, right? Thankfully, it was a mild case. Glass half full. Glass half full. It could have been worse. Glass half full. Because of my weakened immune system and the stress to my body from the Merda/S**t/Merde it has been through plus the fact that I had the chickenpox as a child, I was susceptible to shingles. Niiiiiiiiiice. So guess what? Yup. More giant blue pills. Antibiotics, 1 gram each, three times a day and one inch long. The pharmaceutical companies are a swarm of sadists. That, and they seem to be obsessed with the color blue. On sheer principle, I am boycotting the color blue from my wardrobe from now on (not that I own that much blue clothing in the first place -- blue just isn't my color but this just reinforces it, damn it!) Moral of the story is that the bottle of said Ginormous-Blue-Not-Red-My-Favorite-Color-For-Clothes-Not-Pills is empty and I am feeling better, thankfully. Yee-freaking-HAW.

Second update is that when hubby and I met with The-Doctor-Formerly-Known-As-Ferragamo-Now-Known-As-Pliner to review the MRI, he stated that the MRI revealed fluid build-up in the mastoid process, the area right behind the ears. Evidently, this fluid accumulation is quite common after Melon-Zapping. The long and short of it is that I have some hearing issues in my left ear; specifically, it's blocked and I can't hear very well. I feel like I need an ear horn: "Eh? What did you say? What? Can you speak up please?" Poor hubby. Mentioned it to Doc Radiation when I saw her as it was just starting to come on last week and yadda yadda yadda, I am now taking Sudafed. Yeah, well, that's not working either. Doc Radiation had advised me that if the Sudafed didn't work, she would put me on a round of steroids. Hmmm. My first reaction was NO! Oops, I meant, NO thank you! (Where are my manners?) Then again, it's only a 6-day run so that may be necessary. In any event, hubby and I are taking a fun little trip to see my family doc tomorrow. What the hell. See what she says. Just keeping my fingers crossed that I won't need to see an ear/nose/throat specialist. Oi. Just what I need. Another specialist. In the meantime, it's another one of those things I've taken for granted. Waaaaaa. I miss being able to hear well! Fingers crossed this resolves itself and soon.

But the most important update is that I have completed the first round of the chemo maintenance -- double the dose for five days -- three weeks off and then lather, rinse and repeat for another five months. So far, so good. Woo hoo and let's hope it continues to keep The Tumaaaaaaaaa at bay or shrinks the Mo-Fo. Started feeling tired Day 3, with appetite fading by Day 4 and appetite completely disappearing by Day 5. I slept for most of the three days afterwards and then felt better energy-wise on the fourth day. YEAH! Appetite is still slow in coming back and certain foods still smell funky to me (dang), but I'm pleased that my energy levels seem to be recovering. They are not at 100%; then again, I haven't felt at 100% since before I got sick. I do feel OK though, save for the ear thing, so I am pleased about that. Having said that, I am scheduled to go back to work on September 30, and there is a little part of me that is a wee bit anxious, as you might imagine. Transitioning back to the real world, keeping my energy levels up, being around lots of people after having lived in virtual seclusion for almost four months, questions from folks....

And then, there's a larger part of me that says: you are a strong woman and give yourself credit for that. You have just undergone some grueling treatments and kept positive throughout, save for the occasional breakdown which is completely normal and understandable after all. You are going through a life-changing experience. And ... you are blessed with an amazing husband who has been there for you through thick and thin as well as phenomenal family and friends and some special folks at work who all love and support you. It's all about keeping things in perspective -- who and what matters. It will all be fine. :-) One day at a time. On a lighter note, a fun (!!) fact is that my hair is still MIA so I have two choices: a) My wicked self tells me to walk into Corporate America au naturel. Yes, I'm talking with my naked (GASP!) head fully exposed. There is a part of me that wants to do it. Just because. Then as a very wise gal recently reminded me (thanks TL!), I will have to answer questions. Hmmm. Need to think that one through. b) My sensible self tells me I should shop for wigs, caps, scarves and the like and cover up. Et voilà -- some super sexy (*snort*) shots of Yours Truly in a couple of Uber stylish wigs (*guffaw*). These chortles and giggles are courtesy of my dear pal R., who I can always thank for endless amusement and smiles. Bisous, ma chèrie! In the meantime, the quest for my lost locks continues. That, and a decent wig.

Before I sign off, I want to thank TP for a delightful afternoon out a couple of weeks ago. It was absolutely wonderful to have lunch with you and profound thanks for your company and generosity of spirit. Thank you as well to KB for a lovely outing, for your never-ending enthusiasm and sunny outlook and for the extraordinarily beautiful and thoughtful gift. And deepest and heartfelt thanks to all of you who have continued to keep in touch. Via this blog, email, text, phone calls, cards. Please know that your support, your thoughts and prayers, your well-wishes and your love are so unbelievably appreciated and have helped both hubby and me through this critical first phase more than you might imagine. And after all, isn't that what life is all about? Family. Friends. Love. Health. At the end of the day, too many things and boatloads of stuff simply don't matter. People do. Thank you all and sending love and bone-crushing hugs your way. And extra-special thoughts and prayers to Papa-san and Mama-san.

À bientôt, chers famille et amis. Nous vous aimons.

Cancerella, Budereaux et Les Deux Chats
xoxoxoxo