Super skinny (EEK), possibly a blonde and a fun new pill?

On Wednesday, hubby and I met with Dr-Ferragamo-At-Times-Pliner for my monthly check-up and I tell you, I look forward to these visits for the simple reason that I am curious to see what new shoes and dapper duds he will be sporting. He is very stylish for a middle-aged, white, straight dude and somehow I think his wife (a very stylish nurse at the center) and his gay friends dress him, but regardless, he rocks those pink and mint green shirts and the Uber-stylish (and Uber-expensive) Ferragamo and Pliner souliers. As shallow as that may sound, please allow me to level set here, folks. For starters, the visit is held at a cancer center where every single person that is walking or wheeling through those doors is currently, or has been, afflicted to varying degrees with The Big C, whether in remission or not, and while I certainly appreciate how everyone who works there is upbeat and smiling and positive and full of hugs and hope, let's face it -- the reality is that it's f**king cancer we're dealing with. (Sidebar: I have a confession to make. I'm not in a "the Tumaaaaaa is my friend" kind of mood today. Feeling kind of shitty from the chemo so I am taking this opportunity to vent a little. It's my prerogative! Waaaaaaa!)

And second, the key purpose of the visit is so that I can enlighten Doc F with the relative degree of emotional and physical shittiness I am currently experiencing so he can tap-tap-tap enter the info into my file. After all, although I would like to think that we are there to chitchat about his wardrobe choices that day, the reality is that we are there to discuss the fact that I have a Tumaaaaaaaaaa in my head, how much weight I have lost yadda yadda yadda, and on this visit, the shingles and ear incidents and how long my double vision lasted. Confession number 2 (hmmmm.... a long overdue visit to my priest, methinks!). Yup, I didn't share that bit with you folks in my last post. I had double vision for four days last week. Just a wee bit disconcerting. However, hubby and I were in Canada for reasons of vital personal importance to dear family members and thus, there were certain things that were just best kept quiet. Where

was I? Ah yes. Dr. F did indeed delight with a brand new pair of Salvatore Ferragamo loafers yesterday, along with a pink checkered shirt. I tell you, he was looking very urbane. And for simplicity's sake -- and for shits and giggles -- his new moniker will be Dr. Salvatore simply because he is the antithesis of what a Salvatore might look like. More importantly though, I happen to think he's a good doctor -- and he's such a good sport and laughs at all my inappropriate comments, and for those of you who know me well, you know I am easily taken in by someone who laughs at my jokes. (Confession number 3!)

So, here's the deal. I have lost a little more weight since last week and while several years ago I might have been ecstatic to be skinny -- especially after being on Weight Watchers for most of last year!! -- truth be told, I now weigh what I did in university (college for my American friends) and that is highly alarming to me. I simply don't feel like eating a lot of things that I used to enjoy. Now, I must say that when we were in Canada, I did enjoy a Harvey's burger and for my American friends, next time you are in Canuckistan, you simply must indulge. Nothing in the US comes close. A bold claim, I know but true. I also scarfed down a

Beavertail, another AWESOME treat. It's a fried dough pastry, hand stretched to resemble a beaver's tail (no inappropriate jokes, please!) and sprinkled with cinnamon, sugar, lemon .... A-MA-ZING! But we can't get Harvey's or Beavertails here in the US - waaaaa!! All kidding aside though, as I just don't enjoy a lot of food stuffs these days, hubby asked Dr. Salvatore if he would prescribe me some medicinal weed. Yup, medicinal weed. Don't ask, don't get right? ;-) Well, turns out there is a pill form and so, I am going to try that to see if it will boost my appetite. I asked him if it would make me see Jesus (he blushed, then giggled -- YES!) and he said it had similar effects to smoking weed so if I get paranoid while smoking weed (bold of him to presume that I have smoked weed -- harumph!!), then the pill would make me paranoid too. Not going on the record here as this is a public forum but the moral of the story is that this pill thing-y is legal, any side effects should be (ahem) interesting but most importantly, hopefully it will make me want to eat. Beyond that, my blood work is normal -- yeah! -- and because my MRI on August 9 came back as stable, looks like I don't have to have an MRI for another couple of months or so. Originally, the plan was that I was supposed to have MRI's every other month, but looks like that has changed because Il Tumore is in its proper place and contained. Good news there! YEAH!

On a mildly different note, as I mentioned in my last post, I am heading back to work on the 30th and a pal jokingly said to me that this was my last week of freedom. Been giving that some thought and while I have certainly appreciated the opportunity to rest and rejuvenate at home, I am now ready to rejoin the real world and feel a renewed sense of normalcy. I am optimistic; however, I am also realistic and practical and know that there may be a couple of little bumps along the way, especially with the continued chemo and it is The Big C, after all so God forbid anything could happen. I am optimistic, though, and have found a strength and fortitude and inner peace within me that surprises even me. Funny that, right?

I have always been fascinated by the human psyche and what makes us as people do the things we do and what makes us grow as people. I also think that there are so many folks out there who expend so much energy in avoiding pain or pretending that everything is fine, and in doing so, they avoid living to a large extent. Pretending pain does not exist is simply not realistic. Now please do not misunderstand me. I am not suggesting that we as humans actively seek out pain and suffering; quite the contrary. It's about viewing pain and suffering for the lessons they teach us and how they make us stronger and more resilient and how they make us appreciate life and things that matter. One of the most amazing high school teachers I ever had -- she impacted the way I think to this day, God bless her -- once quoted in one of her English classes (yes, English; not philosophy): "Suffering is the sole origin of consciousness." Now, while that might sound bleak, there's a large element of truth to that statement. It's all about perspective and things being relative. How can you truly know joy if you have not experienced pain? It's just opposite ends of the same spectrum. So, all that to say, this experience has just reinforced to me -- and apologies for being repetitive -- what makes me happy and what really matters. Positive people who care and appreciate what matters and who view the world with a glass half full approach. A beautiful sunny day. Simple pleasures that I have taken for granted and just not ever taken the time to "see" and "hear" before: birds chirping, children laughing, beautiful trees, flowers, music ...I could go on and on.

And ... as I said, I am as ever optimistic -- I just could not imagine spending any more time at home. It just continues to remind me that I have cancer and I am anxious to get back out there, 85% of me and all! Being out in the real world makes me feel more normal (although that word bothers me -- I mean, who has the right to define "normal" after all?), less "sick", more optimistic and productive and just being around people. I miss people! Yeah! I DO feel better. Plus, after having cleaned out every closet (true), the basement (three-day project, that) and every single nook and cranny, there just isn't anything else to clean! ;-) And I am getting over my obsession with my hair. True fact! Hubby -- the awesome dude that he is -- picked up a couple of wigs for me so I will bring them into work with me next week. Whaddya all think? I've always wanted to be a blonde.

So .... that's all This Gal wrote for today. Thanks as always for reading my musings and for humouring me. Received a few more cards this week -- thank you KSL, KV, TL and AF for your lovely cards and for thinking of me! Every single card I have received since The Big C set up shop in my Grey Matter is in my home office and it is completely overwhelming. Looking at all of them reminds me how fortunate and blessed I am to have so much love in my life. Thank you all -- for everything. You are all in my prayers, every night, because after all, giving thanks for what matters is even more important. Humbling exercise ... and quite redemptive.

Love you all and God bless.

Cancerella, Buderello, and the Two Kitties
xoxoxoxoxo