What's it all about, Cancerella? (besides a brown pill that results in serious munchies)

Been meaning to write for a few days now but it's been quite a couple of momentous weeks for Yours Truly. Not only did I head back to Corporate America but I also tried the Happy-Appetite-Stimulating-Is-That-You-Jesus? pill. For the record, it must be noted that I did not, have not and plan not EVER to take one of these Pleasant-Petite-Pilules whilst at The Office. That simply would not be prudent, for a myriad of reasons. Why, you may ask? Well, let me put it to you this way. The "Patient Education" packet that I received with this prescription -- and that is fastidiously enclosed with every refill of peppy red, white or blue pellets that This Gal pops -- lists side effects that include clumsiness, difficulty concentrating, difficulty with memory, changes in behavior and muscle weakness -- and that is not in any way an exhaustive list. Hearkening back to (ahem) more cavalier times in my youth (possibly more recently - true confessions. WTF), these side effects sound all too familiar.

Now, having tried these pills (tinted an unpatriotic brown I might add; seems fitting - harumph!!) and having experienced some of these (ahem) side effects in the comfort of my own home, it's best that for the days when I am at The Very Large American Corporation, I sacrifice the fact that these pills -- beyond making me really giggly -- actually do make me eat. Mission accomplished. YAY!! The priority is to appear as graceful and focused as possible at work -- comme toujours, natch! -- as I have this feeling that there is a contingent of folks tenuously circling around me with proverbial kid gloves and thus, I need to appear as "normal" as possible (oi vey but I do dislike that word) and after all, many of these same folks already think I'm a bit odd (YAY me!) And, best of all, I have put on a whopping 3 pounds. Woo hoo! I was seriously becoming concerned at my weight loss and how skinny I was becoming. That's the God's honest truth. Now, I will just continue to smile all day and then rush home, pop a brown pill, smile and giggle some more and eat like a hog. YAY! Giddy up, yo!

So, my first week back at work was good. A little daunting to be honest and it certainly made me realize that life marches on. Not that I ever suspected it would stop; it's just so jarring how much things have changed and how I feel like I am scrambling to catch up. I have been living in a cocoon of sorts for the past three and a half months and it feels like breaking out of that gentle, protective environment and re-entering the real world again, with its alternate reality and hubbub and frenetic energy. Add to that, it was the week after my chemo treatments and so the first couple of days, the fog is still swirling and trying to lift in the old bald cranium. I am so grateful that it's oral chemo (white pills this time) and not the brutal IV type. Plus, somewhere, I think my body has become accustomed to it (shit, what a horrible thought -- think about that -- my body has become accustomed to toxic chemicals that kill cells. And people bitch about weed being toxic? I digress). All that to say, the lingering effects of Chemo Brain do not seem to be lasting as long. YAY! All in all, it was a nice week -- lots of warm welcomes and hugs, a nice little welcome brunch and just trying to ease back into the rhythm of things.

Last week was a little less stressful and I've been giving a lot of thought to being back at work. That, and the

age-old question: "What's it all about, Alfie?" So so many thoughts and emotions and questions. And no worries, dear friends and family -- I know I have been prone to over-thinking at times. I am trying diligently not to obsess. Truly. I realize this is just another stop on the voyage -- like changing train stations in a country like China where I don't speak the language and hoping I boarded the right train. Or learning a new language and stumbling through the first few phrases and hoping I didn't say "Your mother sleeps on a pay toilet" instead of "Hello and hope you are having a nice day." No one is an expert at anything fresh out of the gate, including how to deal with re-entering the work force after having been out on leave for 3.5 months because of a freaking brain tumour, especially a Tumaaaaaaaaaa that is sticking around. I need to be gentle on myself and accept that this is just another part of Cancerella's Adventure AKA Life.

I also don't want people to treat me like I'm sick. That tilt of the head with the well-meaning yet somehow pitying undertone in their query: "How ARE you feeling?" Maybe it's the jaunty chapeaux. ;-) I have had some strange looks from folks -- and I must admit, these looks neither surprise nor offend me. It's not every day that one sees someone at The Very Large American Corporation sporting a jaunty cap with a suit and high heels. Mercifully, the folks I work with are smart enough to connect the dots, and polite enough not to ask "Hey! What's with the hat?" I have already discovered that some folks are decidedly awkward around me. I also have learned in the past that those who really matter are those who are worth putting it on the line for; i.e. discussing things in a honest fashion as that is the sign of true friendship -- an equal partnership. Somewhere I think that some people are bothered by the fact that I have come face-to-face with my own mortality -- I get that -- and my humble opinion is that it is their issue to resolve, not mine. If they were true friends, we might talk about it, but at this stage, life is too short and I would rather spend it with people who matter and in that regard, I am truly blessed.

And speaking of friends, I will admit that I have been giving much more thought of late to how I want to

spend my time, who with and selfishly, how I want to be remembered. Deep thoughts, I know. Also a reality. And before the "Hey, one never knows when one could get hit by a bus" protestations, I certainly do not dwell on it ad nauseam -- my mortality that is. I also realized that I need to weather through this phase like all the other phases of this illness as it's part of the process, and that I need to stay present in the moment, alive and awake emotionally on every level, ever grateful for every single day and as positive and focused as possible. I admit -- and perhaps it's because I'm just recently back into the swing of things -- that I have been reflecting on many things of late. Trying very diligently not to have regrets because I cannot go back and change things; rather, seeking the good fortunes in the unforeseen curves, turns and detours in the proverbial road. And that in the end, when I meet my Maker, I know in my heart that the only thing that will matter is the love and caring and compassion and tenderness and joy I shared with my beloved family and friends and especially with my cherished husband  -- those magnificent souls who matter and who give me strength, courage, happiness, hope and so many reasons to be thankful every day. Until then, I will live each day to its fullest and for those days where I feel a little sad or anxious, so be it. I'm allowed.

And speaking of beautiful souls, my beloved hubby and I celebrated 22 years of wedded bliss yesterday. I remember it like it was yesterday. THE best party I have ever attended and that's the God's honest truth, followed by a four-week honeymoon in Europe. Fantastic memories and that's what is important in life. A photo for you fine folks -- many of you have seen this shot before and apologies for the redundancy. I look at this and remember every moment -- and wow. Look at all that hair! (Both of us! Love the 'stache - solely hubby on that one ... and isn't it hot?). Oh, speaking of hair, I am starting to get a little peach fuzz -- YAY! Still going to wear the breezy bonnets though! On that happy note, This Gal is going to pop a little brown pill and call it a day.

Thanks for reading and listening. Love you all.

Cancerella, Buderello, e i Due Gatti
xoxoxoxo