Hair today, gone tomorrow ... or more like Hair yesterday, MORE gone today!

Bonjour a tout le monde on this St. Jean Baptiste day, a holiday in the province of Quebec, back in our home-and-native-land. As John the Baptist - a Jewish preacher - baptized Jesus in the River Jordan, so too have I undergone a baptism of sorts. No small coincidence on the dates, methinks. For any deeply religious folks who may be reading this, please pardon the unintended blasphemy as I was raised a Catholic - and still consider myself a Catholic - but I just can't help the comparison. As I stepped into the shower this morning for my daily ritual cleansing (!), yet again, large clumps of my hair simply fell out. In huge, epic clumps. I mean, I was literally pulling the hair out of my head in monumental quantities. Sigh. No, make that a heavy sigh. Perhaps it's a sign from above that with this illness, so too, am I shedding parts of my outer self. Wow. Deep, right? ;-)

After getting out of the shower and having a good cry *sniff* about the fact that there is now a huge bald spot on the left side of my head - a natural reaction methinks - I gathered myself together and just simply looked at myself. I must say, it's somewhat surreal to stare at oneself in the mirror and see something so unbelievably foreign, so aberrant, so atypical. And then I got to thinking. "Hmmm ... where will I be going over the next few weeks? I mean, who will care/notice if I have a bald spot?" So I started taking inventory of the Fun-Places-Cancerella-Will-See-And-Visit over the next few weeks:

1) Hospital to get Melon Nuked. Check.
2) Hospital to meet Dr Mint Green Shirt. Check.
3) Hospital to see neuro-oncologist who drilled the hole in my head. Check.

Need I go on? In short, the only spots I'll be visiting are places where people look like me - and sadly, much worse - so from a self-esteem "oh my GOSH! Who will SEE me?" perspective, it really doesn't matter and I don't care and it suddenly seems trivial perhaps. OK, glass half full - there are people much worse off than me; I do know that. And there are positive elements of which to remind myself: I still have somewhat of an appetite  and have abandoned the Fruit Loops patrol (back to All Bran!); I am sleeping well AND dreaming (YEAH! REM sleep is always good); today - despite the hair - is actually a good day from the perspective of feeling a little clearer and not as wonky and dizzy and stupid and I say that's because I didn't have to devote energy to working, even if it was from home. So I have that for which to be thankful; i.e. resting and recharging my batteries. And I have my awesome, beautiful hubby who I adore with every fiber of my being - I could not do any of this without him.

So, on a lighter note, when I went for my usual Nuke Fest today, the nurse, the social worker, the radiation technologist, my favorite Doc and naturally hubby were all there and of course, they were all sympathetic about the Hair Loss (yes, proper noun in my books). We started chatting about the Hair Loss in greater detail and I had a couple of questions first. Q. Will more fall out? A. Probably. Q. Will hair fall out on the right side? A. Probably but in smaller quantities (GREAT - geek hair for sure). So, I asked the question of whether I should just go ahead and shave my melon and Doc said I could; i.e. no risk except the annoyance of having to keep shaving my head as the hair I've lost because of the nuking may not grow back at the same pace as the rest of my hair. Niiiiiiiiiiice. So, my question to you fine folks is this:

What do I do now? Leave it as is? Shave both sides a la Girl with the Dragon Tattoo look? (RAD! I like it. Middle-aged broad makes a statement with her hair - I had that revelation as the Big Nuking Machine was circling my melon nuking cancer cells in my head. I had a flash of that awesome beotch ...she rocks)? Crew cut? Other suggestions? Your vote/opinion counts, my friends and family. I've already had a couple of volunteers offer to go wig shopping with me, so I am up for any and all suggestions. Tomorrow, I am going to post a pic of my left-sided baldness and then a pic of the lovely jaunty chapeau and wig that my pal KL sent to me... :-) ... I am feeling better about this already!

And I wanted to close the loop. To circle back on my earlier comment, I was once obsessed about my looks, what people would think about how I looked (this was a while ago) - and now, with maturity and especially with this ordeal, I realize that it just doesn't matter what other people think about how I look. If people are going to judge me, then I feel sad for them. The only thing that matters is how I feel about how I look and the rest just flows from that. So if I'm bald, then I will just have to get used to it; after all, it's a completely different experience. Completely and utterly different.

Thanks as always for reading and for your support and notes and offers of help - and your love! Tonight's sign off is perhaps a sign of things to come when This Gal's dome is exposed and I can literally ask people to ...(are you ready?) ...

Kiss my astrocytoma,

Cancerella, Barberello (he may shave my melon), The Two Meow-y Hair Bags (suddenly, I'm seeing hair everywhere .. ironic, right?)
xoxoxoxox