T minus 3.....

Hello all.  Well. The chem-ecstasy pills - affectionately known as Temodar - came via UPS on Saturday, along with 8 pages (legal length!) of how-to's, what to look out for, side effects, how many times I might barf and the only thing missing was the anti-barf pills. Giddy up. Radiation starts Thursday because I had to arrange stuff at work around some stuff at work, a delightful circle. So there you have it. My six weeks of fun is finally set to begin. Wish I could say I was in a better frame of mind but frankly there was just weird shit and weird vibes and weirdness everywhere ...and candidly ....here it is ...are you ready? Brace yourselves .... I am scared.

There. I said it. It's true.

And I am ok with admitting that. It is a natural, normal reaction to a major, life-altering event - this brain tumour/tumor thing. This spate of major treatments - and no, it's not IV chemo - they are pills-  for which I am grateful and I love my friends and family who are trying to be supportive and helpful and do the glass half full thing - truly, honestly, deeply - when they say "hey, it could be worse. It's not IV chemo." Please do not misinterpret my words as anything other than just long-overdue venting of fear, anxiety, nail-biting "holy SHIT, I have a f**king BRAIN TUMOUR/TUMOR and I'm having major f'ing treatments AND I am still going to work and carry on ... la la la la la la ....". Holy shit.

Really? Pinch me.

And yes, I have been through radiation but I do not know how nuking my brain will affect me. Will I be as clever and witty and delightful (and humble) as I am and always have been? ;-) ....seriously, though, Doc Nuke (who I adore) was a little cagey when I asked about how it would make me feel, long term effects - and this goes beyond hair loss - that is cursory, surface, illusory shit that just doesn't matter in the long run (and yes, I am in a cussing mood tonight - I'll ask The Big Dudette for forgiveness). I have joked about wigs and all that fun stuff; all of that is temporary and I suppose if I am brutally honest ce soir, there is a part of me that wonders and admits that perhaps I have not fully come to grips with the Potential Long Term Effects Of This Thing and that it is what is finally hitting me. The momentous nature of it all ...but I will cross each bridge as it comes, I suppose. And for now, I have come to the next big bridge. The Six-Week Bridge. And getting through that ... and trying to work at the same time ... heavy sigh ....

So ... that's my story tonight. Light-hearted, right? Sigh. Make that another heavy sigh. And a few tears. And you know? That's OK ... it really is ... if I didn't somewhere finally break down and realize what was happening, I suppose I wouldn't be a normal human being. I have tried to be strong and all of that good stuff and I think I have held up well thus far; it just hit me today, that's all ...and in that glass-half-full nature - that truly truly is my motto - I am comforting myself with the knowledge and the warmth of the love of my darling husband - who cut the flowers below for me from our garden (aren't they so so pretty? One of life's beautiful wonders....the whole stop-and-admire-the-flowers-thing), the love and never-ending concern of my dear brother, the love and support of my amazing family and friends ... so, so much for which to be grateful ... and that is what I am reflecting upon right now. That and the fact that hubby let me borrow his laptop to write this (doing this on my iPad is a pain in the ass....!) :-)

For now, I am sending you all my love, many hugs and many many thanks for all of your unwavering support, love, patience .... please know how much that means to me ... and to hubby ...

Tonight's sign off courtesy of MS, and Uncle K, and these words will be my inspiration over the next six weeks ...thank you both and love you both! (and then, I will look forward to Racherella's sign off's ... Judy's Jubilee; Gone Fishin'; ... and then the fun stuff - again, from Racherella!! - when I don't know what my name is ... Slide, Slide, Slippity Slide, Fantastic Voyage and Wet 'n Wild, Long, Hot, Summer) :-) xoxoxo

Radiating Happiness, Radiating Love and Positive Chemo-tions

Cancerella and Buderello
xoxoxo

PS Thanks as always for listening ... especially tonight.