Finish line moved out just a wee bit ....

This past Friday, I gleefully skipped over to my regular "OK, I Am Going To Put Your Mask On Now" session, with the thought of looking forward to the Light Show Behind My Eyelids cum Hallucinations - as always - except this time I was thinking "WOO HOO! Only five more of these powwows left!"

So, when the nice technicians - one of whom hugs me - sweet right? I mean after all, they were the same techs who nuked my boob 18 months ago, so they've seen me in my semi-naked glory - said "We are taking photos today", I was a bit befuddled. All I could hear in my head was Shaggy from Scooby Doo. "Huuuhhh??" You see, they take photos on Mondays, not Fridays. Naturally, I asked "Hmmmm, just out of curiosity, why are you taking photos today?", to which they responded "It's for the eight boost treatments". Now, dear readers, I know these treatments have left me a little thrown off balance - literally and psychologically - and not operating at my usual energy levels - again physically and intellectually - but I can assure you that the detail of how many treatments I was receiving was very clear to me. Six weeks. 30 days. 30 treatments. NOT 33.

On my way out, the nurse asked if I wanted to see Doc Radiation to talk about The New Number and at that point, I was simply bone weary  - on every possible level - and politely declined and said I would look forward to meeting her on Monday, our usual rendezvous day. When Drew and I got home, I started Googling "boost treatments" but by that point, I was starting to see double and drool (not true - added that for dramatic and comedic effect ;-) ...), so I gave up, thought "she has a reason for this", and listened to Drew's reasoning which was that Doc Radiation is, and always has been, very thorough - true dat. The only hiccup in this scenario is that I had to order more of The Big Blue Pill, and F**K is all I say to that. Oh, that and UGH, underscored by F**K. I want my appetite back, please and thank you; I'm down 10 pounds. My blood pressure is 94 over 48 (a wee bit low right? No wonder I feel dizzy) Shit. I find the smell of barbecued chicken (YUM) and my favorite pasta dish revolting. Sad but true. I digress, but this is one of the realities of this regimen, one which the neuro-oncological community cannot agree is completely effective (specifically, on the chemo end of things). I digress again. Apologies all, but I have a pounding headache today which I have managed to successfully dodge throughout This Fun-Fest. You see, the radiation kills tumor cells, these dead cells must be cleared up, and in the meantime they take up space and cause swelling. Turns out that the central nervous system is not as good at clearing up dead tissue as the rest of the body. So, I will probably have to take steroids to reduce the swelling if the headaches keep up and good old Tylenol doesn't help the thump-thump-thump stop already. Steroids always make me think of those neckless gronks in the gym. To each their own. I was on steroids for a few days last year and had every possible negative reaction imaginable. OK, this officially concludes this session of Cantankerous Cancerella Carping. And for the record, I am allowed from time to time. So there. ;-)

 

So, like I said, I had to order more of The Blue Pill, the drug that kills the DNA of the cancerous cells, along with some healthy DNA (hmmm, sense a theme here?) and doing that in the US of A ain't easy, my dear friends and family. I won't bore you with details, but it took me most of Monday (yesterday) but SUCCESS! More of the dreaded chemo pill is arriving this Friday, all wrapped up in shiny paper, tied up with a bow and lovingly addressed to Yours Truly; that, or in a plain brown UPS box. So there you have it. Nine more days. Oh yes - I got a little off topic there but most importantly, the reason I am having 33 treatments vs. 30 is because of the amount of Grays (Gy) which is the unit of measure for the radiation. In short, spreading it out over 33 treatments vs. 30 is actually less toxic. Something to celebrate - truly. I adore Doc Radiation. She truly does rock. In the end, extending the proverbial finish line out over a few more days will be a good thing; it's still within site - just a wee bit further out. All about context and perspective and it's all good.

Also wanted to share something I came across on the American Cancer Society's web site; that the pressure to always maintain a positive attitude can be unrealistic. This statement gave me great comfort because there are times when I do feel discouraged or sad. And so, the thought that I am not alone and that forcing myself to say "Hip Hip HOORAY!" every single day, that this is just not realistic, came as a relief to me. Having said that, I have always seen - and still do see the world with a glass half-full perspective and so I continue to thank the good Lord above for that view on life. And the truth is, I know in my heart of hearts that people mean well - I really honestly and firmly believe that. And that is the God's honest truth. If this experience, my first cancer experience and especially the loss of my dear brother last year reinforced to me and really taught me, it's not to judge people. First and foremost, it's not my place - or anyone's place for that matter - and as I said, I really do believe that people operate with the best of intentions (with the exception of those folks that are on the ends of the statistical bell curve. As with anything, there are always exceptions to the rule, but for this discussion and this audience, the truth is that I believe everyone falls under the 95th percentile!)

The reason I bring this up is that the other day I was chatting with someone about my hair loss - which by the way when it comes to radiation is a different story than chemotherapy in that it takes longer for the hair to grow back and in some cases (God forbid) the hair doesn't grow back (will cross that bridge when and if - GOD forbid! - I come to it). This person - again, well-meaning said "No big deal. It will grow back." Now, I know this person meant well and yet, there was a part of me that mused about the fact that they were not thinking about the emotional trauma of having one's hair fall out. That it is not quite as simple as just stating "It will grow back." Please do not misinterpret me, dear readers - I am not judging this person, nor am I angry; not at all. Like I said, I am sure they thought they were offering the whole "RAH RAH!! No biggie! Just a little detour in the road!" kind of back-slapping, go get 'em, stay positive kind of encouragement. But it got me to thinking. That there are folks that just don't know what to say because it's The Big C. Or believe they are offering encouragement. Or believe they are being empathetic. And I get that. I really really do. And I am so eternally grateful for all of the support and love and neither Drew nor myself could get through any of this without the outpouring of love and support from our network of family and friends - it is so vitally important, for both someone suffering from cancer, and for Drew, my beloved caretaker and soul mate. And for that, thank you a thousand-fold, a quadrillion-fold!

So, dear friends and family, I hope you will take the time to read some of the great resources for friends, family, co-workers on how to deal with people with cancer, like Yours Truly. And again, please know that I am so grateful to each and every one of you - from the bottom of my heart - for supporting and accompanying both Drew and me on this journey. And I hope you will find the links helpful in providing you a little more insight into the feelings and experiences that I may not be expressing as fervently, or as succinctly, or as capably as I would like. From the perspective of someone dealing with The Big C, I certainly found them very enriching, encouraging and regenerative.
http://www.cancer.org/treatment/understandingyourdiagnosis/talkingaboutcancer/index

And with that, I bid you all a fantastic day. It's hotter than Hades here; hope you are staying cool where you are and enjoying your summer. Hard to believe it's mid-July already. Thank you all again - profoundly - for all your love and support, for your texts, phone calls, sweet, funny and touching cards, your FaceTime calls, your friendship and for being there for us. We simply could not do this without you. Grazie mille. Merci beaucoup. Vielen dank.

Con amore,
Avec amour,
Mit liebe (somehow the German doesn't sound quite as ... ummm ... well, you know! Entschuldigung - that means "apologies". Wow, intense language!) :-)

Cancerella, Buderello and Les Deux Chats
xoxoxoxo